


I Will Show You Love

by charleneclexa



Category: The 100 (TV)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-09 00:10:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 32,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7779031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charleneclexa/pseuds/charleneclexa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke finds herself alone after her father dies and her mom becomes an alcoholic. She falls into an abusive relationship with Finn Collins before meeting Dr Lexa Woods.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Underwater

Clarke had once been a smart, popular girl with high hopes of becoming a doctor like her mother. She was a bright child, an only child that was always encouraged to follow her heart by her dad. She often escaped to art, her passion, but she ultimately believed she could do better as a doctor. She wanted to be helpful, to help, being a doctor would allow her that.  
Before she even knew it, everything was flipped upside down. Her father was shot at a gas station. Clarke remember how it happened, she had been abruptly waken by her best friend, Wells. 

He shook her and she was brought back from her pleasant slumber.  
“Clarke, Clarke, wake up, your dad died” he said loud, with a broken voice. That was all it took.  
“What? Wells, what di you say?” she asked hurriedly. She had heard him but she felt the need to hear it again.  
Wells pondered, looking at her with pity, hands shaking still holder her shoulders.  
“Clarke, your mom called, I need to take you to the hospital, she wants to see you. Yo um, your dad, he um. I’m sorry” he said looking at her now glassy blue eyes.

She wasted no time throwing a sweatshirt over her and putting her shoes on. They walked down the stairs, no words spoken. The ride was fast or maybe not, Clarke felt in a trance at this point. Gauging the odds, what were the odds of this happening to her she though. She tucked her head a little once thought the familiar front doors of the emergency ER doors, as usual trying to avoid the burst of air. The hospital smell was familiar, she thought about those times her dad would bring her tho the hospitall to drop off food for her mom and give her a hug. 

Jake Griffin was a family man. Family would always come first, it was a bow he and Abby had promised eachohter before they married. “Work will never come first Abigail” he kissed her and she smiled into the kiss. They worked hard to achieve their dreams, through good and rough times for them both. Picnics in the living room, dancing while microwaving mac & cheese. Both Abby and Jake made sure to pass on that to their daughter. “Clarke, you won’t go through life like your mom and I did” he smiled as they packed a basket. "We worked hard to make sure you have the future you deserve, but material things mean nothing if you have no one to share it with” he looked at her with love and hugged her, kissing her temple. Clarke tried to process this information as her 9 year old mind allowed he to. She packed the portrait she had made of her family in the basket and smiled at her dad. She always had a picture for her parents, sometimes the family, sometimes just her parents or the dog she wanted but wouldn’t get.

“Clarke, honey?” she was taken aback by her mother standing right in front of her. When did she get here? She looked up at her mother, tears gathering in her cerulean eyes. Abby was crying as she hugged her daughter. She held her tighter than ever before, that’s all the confirmation she needed to know, this wasn’t a dream, this was in fact happening to her. One of the pillars of her foundation cracked and so did she. Everything happened so fast. They both agreed to donate Jake’s organs, they chose a picture and drawings of them together to put in his casket.

It was only the cold tempter of the chapel that reminded Clarke once again that her dad was dead. She had barely seen her mother. Abby took some time off to bury her husband and console her daughter. She’d postponed the legal paperwork, wills, titles, payments. Abby seemed almost robotic Clarke thought of her mother. They had fallen asleep together, crying, looking at pictures, reading post-it’s. Clarke was glad for her mother taking the time off, she was glad she had her mother but who was consoling her mother? She had just lost her father but her mom lost the love of her life. She’d remember Thelonious coming in and out of their house, by her mothers side, yet he wasn’t comforting her mother, he was just there. She looked over at Well’s, she had been avoiding him, he was always saying “I’m sorry”, she couldn’t understand why. Why couldn’t her friend just not say anything?

Abby’s time off to take care of her daughter and everything that follows a death turned into months, before Clarke was able to resurface, Abby was drowning herself in alcohol, wearing Jake’s faded plaid shirt to sleep. Her mother had held it together, she had comforted Clarke, never breaking, she’d wiped her tears away and told her “Everything will be ok Clarke, we’ll make it work” with sad eyes. That was the day Abby gave Clarke her fathers watch. It wasn’t much now, but back then, Abigail Griffin had worked hard to get him that watch. They found themselves surrounded by Rolex, Movado and Cartier watches but Jake had always wore that watch whenever he could. It was a reminder of the promise they had made each other all those years back.

Abby never returned to the hospital, her job now was a bottle of Vodka and vomit. Clarke opened the door with a sigh, knowing that her mother was passed out. The house was cold and quiet. The cold once again reminding Clarke that this was her life now, this was her reality. She took off her jacket as she walked towards the kitchen, now a showroom. She stood in the untouched kitchen, sounds of laughter and playful banter filling her ears. She pictured her family, how her dad would spin her mom and kiss her before stirring whatever was in the stove. Abby smiling as Jake bowed and spun her daughter around like a prince to his princess. She was pulled back from her memories when she heard a crash upstairs. She took the steps two at a time, her body filling up with anxiety pulling her to her worst fear, losing her mother.

When she reached the room, hand on the handle, she took a breath and tried to prepared herself for it. She opened the door and was met by frames and every content of the dresser on the floor. She looked over for her mother, finding her crying into her dad’s shirt. Bottles of liquor scattered around the room, bed not made. The room that was once filled with happiness now reeked of booze, tears and vomit. She walked over to her mother making sure she wasn’t hurt before lifting her up and moving her to the bed.

Once she was done, she assessed the damaged, her view landing on a pic of the three of them together. She allowed herself to smile in between tears. She was exhausted. School was brutal, everyone looking at her with pity and her teachers telling her that “People die and we have to move forward because that’s what they would wanted” Mr Rivers said to her. God did she hated that man, those words, “Move forward” how the fuck was she supposed to do that. She fell into her bed after cleaning up the mess, she wasn’t hungry, thirsty, she was…numb.

She was startled by her phone vibrating, “Clarke?”, Bellamy asked, “Yeah..um…she’s, um is it bad?” she asked, she knew how her mother was. Two years after her father’s death and Clarke was still ‘comforting’ her mother. They had lost the house, the cars, Abby was forced to leave the hospital. She remembered Wells coming over with her father, he barely spoke to her, he stood there looking at her awkwardly as his father spoke to her mother, more like giving her an ultimatum. “Abby you either go to rehab or you can’t come to work anymore. Just see someone, I’m here to help, Jake ow…” he never got to finish that sentence before Abby rushed towards him in a fit of rage, seething at him. That was the last time Clarke spoke to Wells. Clarke gathered her things as she made the journey to pic up her mother. They managed to get a small apartment and keep Jake’s old Ford Explorer. 

She had no time to finish her drawing, hands still covered with some charcoal as she gripped the steering wheel. Blake’s sign suddenly came into view and she pulled into the small bar off the highway. Bellamy Blake was kind enough to make sure her mother didn’t caused a scene. She remember answering the phone, scowling at the unknown number, Bellamy had introduced himself, shy and embarrassed to ask her to come and pick her mother up before the cops were called. Abby had refused to pay her tab as she was told she was cut off for the night. Bellamy knew who Abby was, she was the one that told him and his sister their mother had died. She was so kind to them, comforting even, which was weird for him since doctors often tried to remain stoic when delivering those type of news. He was forever grateful, his sister Octavia, had nearly passed out when Abby held her and comforted his sister with words he couldn’t find for her. He was forever grateful. 

Bellamy told Clarke to park out back the first time as he carried a drunk Abby and slide her into the passenger seat of the car. It was never out of pity, Clarke figured he knew what this felt like and she was grateful for it. Everyone knew how her mother had been kicked out the hospital for being an alcoholic, how they had lost almost everything and were on a very strict budget. Clarke had tried to get a job after school but, her mother couldn’t keep it together long enough, she was called so many times to pick her mother up, she was always fired. 

Once Bellamy had put Abby in the car, he found himself looking at Clarke, opening his mouth and closing it again. She looked at him expectantly until he told her. “I’m selling the place and moving to New York. I’ve finally found a place to be closer to my sister and make it work.” He looked to the side not being able to look at Clarke. She leaned against the car and took a breath, looking at him, tears spilling. Bellamy had become a friend to her, a counselor, he would often talk to her about moving to New York to be with his sister. She knew this day was bound to come, she was happy for him but she would also be losing the only friend she had.  
“Clarke? listen, I’m…” he looked at her, “Don’t Bell s’okay, I get it, I knew this was coming, I just, I’m, I’m really happy. I’m going to miss you is all.”  
“Clarke you know you can always count on me, this doesn’t mean we stop being friends. Listen you’re my friend too you know, it’s just I miss O and well, just like you I need to leave this place you know” he said looking at her. Clarke looked over at her mother passed out on the passenger seat and nodded, she understood, she did. She just wasn’t ready to lose another friend.  
“I’m not leaving tomorrow you know!” he chuckled. “I still have a few months left”.  
“But you’ll be gone regardless, sooner than later”, she said.  
“Have you given any thought to what I told you? Your SAT’s were really good Clarke, pretty sure your parents had connections that could get you into those colleges up there. And you can always crash with me until you settle, hell I’ll even give you a part time job!” He moved to stand next to her, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it.  
“I don’t know, it’s been two years you know, I guess I could call one of my parents friends but I don’t want the pity. Jake’s daughter, so promising now a pro at cleaning her mother’s vomit. So promising.” she said in a cold harsh tone. “Thanks for the offer but I really need to watch over her, we have no one.”  
Clarke was cut off by the sound of the engine coming to life, they both turned around as the car sped off just to crash into the dumpster. Her heart caught up in her throat, she was rooted to the spot, looking at the crash in front of her, it was Bellamy’s calling her name that pulled her out of whatever trance she was in. She rushed over to his side, dreading of the thought of her mom dying. 

“Call 911 Clarke NOW!” he yelled at her, she fumbled with her phone, fingers shaking, as she stuttered the words to the operator. She looked at her mom, moving pass Bellamy to get to her.

“This damn car” Abby slurred. Clarke looked once more at her mother releasing a breath after knowing she was alive, minor a few cuts and scrapes. The sirens heard in a distance sent Clarke into a spiral of flashbacks and thoughts, she felt underwater, she couldn’t breathe. She heard Bellamy in the distance calling her name, she couldn’t breathe. Sobs raking through her body, dizziness hitting her. Everything was moving in slow motion, it was like she was watching a silent movie, everything was muffled, she still felt like she couldn’t breathe.  
“Clarke look at me. Look at me Clarke” Bellamy was yelling at her. As the paramedics arrived, Clarke was coming back to her senses. she was guided to the end of an ambulance. A lot of questions she couldn’t answer. 

“Ms Griffin can you hear me? Clarke?” Officer Kane was suddenly in front of her, she scowled at the smell of the hospital, she focused her eyes on the fluorescent light above her, closing her eyes and talking a breath. The cold, it anchored her. “My mom? Is she?” She opened her eyes, before she could ask again Marcus Kane was pulling the chair closer to her bed. “Clarke, your mom is fine, Jaha had her moved to a private room.” He hesitated gripping the rails of the bed Clarke was laying on. “Clarke, your mom, she, Abby was drunk when she decided to drive that car. We can’t overlook that, I can’t overlook that.” he told her. “Your father was a good man and that’s the only reason keeping your mother out of jail. We um, we’re sending her to a mental institution after rehab. I spoke with Bellamy and he told me. Why didn’t you come to me?” he asked sadly, Clarke turned her head to the side letting her tears finally free. She cried, she cried because she felt guilty, relieved, sad. Clarke cried all of her feelings out. She was kept in the hospital for 3 days before finally being released. 

Clarke had given up on talking to her mother all together. As much as she resented her, she understood the difference between losing the love of your life and losing a parent. She had become a constant reminder of what her mother had lost. “you have his eyes” Abby said to her, caressing her cheek, Clarke leaned into the comfort of her mother’s touch, which was gone fast, replaced by cold, her constant companion. 

Abbigail Griffin, the once caring mother and wife, the brilliant surgeon was now a recovering alcoholic diagnosed with severe depression, her recovery was unknown. “It depends a lot on the patient, they’re all different, but you know this already Clarke.” Jaha was currently speaking to her in his office. “You should try to go back to College, move on. Your mom, well, we’ll take care of her but she’s being difficult.” Clarke looked at him with disdain.


	2. Nightmares, Monsters and Voices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Graphic description of violence. Triggers. Verbal and Physical Abuse.

It took a while for Clarke to be able to leave her mother behind and start a future. That’s how she saw it and it killed her. She felt like she, just like her dad was leaving her mom. She knew her mom so emotionally broken she wouldn’t even notice but that didn’t stop Clarke from feeling like utterly shit. She felt relieved once the plane took off, she was on her way to make something of herself, even if it wasn’t a doctor. She had missed her window to NYU and FAFSA barely covered, she was going to be working more than studying so she figured an Art Degree would have to suffice. The thought of her dad always supporting her, encouraging her to just be who she was made her heart hurt. She’s lost so much in two years, two years that felt more like an eternity to her. Watching her mother go from amazing and brilliant to another alcoholic widow who forgot her child lost her father and she made damn sure she lost her mother as well. 

For the first time in a while Clarke allowed herself to be bitter and angry. To wonder how things would have worked out if her mother had dealt with her grief in a different way. Not losing the home she had grown up in, where all her memories lied. Abby made sure to bury that too. She ran her finger on the rim of her dad’s watch. It helped with her anxiety, how pathetic she thought. Now she had no dad, no mom basically and was an anxious self depreciating woman. She chuckled. She looked over the papers she had printed before her flight to New York, Bellamy had kept in touch and was now giving her a helping hand. She sold her dad’s SUV and a few other belongings, she submitted applications online and completed an application to School of Visual arts. She thought she might be able to get a BA and enter NYAA afterwards. Clarke had a solid plan but life had taught her that ‘shit happens and then you die’, literally. 

She smiled and thought of Bellamy, he became her rock, her friend. AT times she found herself somehow jealous of Octavia Blake, Bellamy worked hard to provide for her, make sure she was alright. It made Clarke think of how lonely she was, how the only person who could offer that comfort and understanding soaked her liver in bourbon and left her to fend for herself. She gripped the seat and took a breath shaking her head. Her heart warmed up drifting back to Bellamy again, she was anxious about moving in with him, she didn’t want to bring her pity party to him. She insisted it would only be for a little while, yet he would smile and softly say “for as long as you need Clarke, we’re family”. She often found herself thinking if this was the right decision, she did it as she said goodbye to her dad in the cemetery. Clarke saw this as a fresh start, there was nothing she could do for her mom except hope.

Bellamy was ready to open a small 80’s theme bar with an arcade and space theme everything. He sounded excited overtime he would tell her about it. He was always complaining about not having a place to eat a burger with a bear and play Mrs Pac-Man. He sold everything he had, Octavia worked hard, she managed to get into Med school up in the Big Apple and with Bellamy’s support she excelled. Clarke thought of Bellamy like a big brother, like a father figure to live up to. Their friendship had been the only good thing to come out of her mother’s breakdown. She was thankful for that, for him but she couldn’t help to wonder if his sister was going to be as welcoming and warm and he was. After their mother’s death Octavia became a little hard, while Bellamy softened if anything, her was supportive and caring and very affectionate to his sister. “She’s the best of me you know”, he’d told Clarke while hanging out. “She brings out the best of me, I wanna be a better man cause of her”. 

Clarke knew what he meant, he spoke about Octavia like Jake would often speak about her. Flashing a smile and win king her way. God she needed her dad. She learned the hard way life was hard and friends don’t last forever, Wells had stopped talking to her after an incident at school. Abby had shown up disheveled, eyes red and drunk wanting to hug Clarke. Wells knew what was going on with her, his dad wouldn’t shut up about it. Once her mom was out, his dad was in, it was a stab in the back for her. It made her blood boil, she hated him, them. Deep down inside, Clarke hated Wells for abandoning her, for leaving her when she needed her best friend. Leaving her mothers office which was now occupied by Thelonious Jaha, she hated them. 

She didn’t noticed the flight attendant in front of her asking her what she would like to drink, she was on the verge of a panic attack and this flight would become a fucking nightmare to have one in. She tried to focus by tracing her index finger on the rim of the watch, she closed her eyes, held her breath, opened her eyes, released her breath. She thought about coming back home to a proud mother, her mother. She focused on remembering her new room and how Bellamy had said she would be as comfortable as Harry Potter was in that broom closet, she thought of her parents dancing in the kitchen and kissing. 

“Miss? Miss? are you alright?” asked the flight attendant. She looked her way before noticing the name tag ‘Doris” it read, what a weird name she mused.  
“Um, yes, sorry, yes I’m fine. Coffee please”. The flight attendant, nodded before settling the carton coffee cup and moving that tiny beverage cart down the aisle. Just a few more hours and she would find herself with a new beginning in a new place.

Getting her bags was easy, she didn’t have much and she figured she could buy her art supplies here instead of bringing them from DC. Airports were so weird, people crying, hugging, aimlessly chatting around. She rolled her bags looking around for any sign of Bellamy, she stopped and looked around before being asked “Come here often?”. She spun around and found Bellamy sporting a huge smile. She hugged him tight, he reciprocated the embrace before breaking apart and looking at her. “Long Flight?” he asked, maneuvering her bags into his hands.  
“Clarke Griffin, this is Octavia, my little sister”, her heart was beating fast, she wondered if Octavia would like her.  
She often figured Octavia thought maybe she was taking advance of her brother, using the orphan card to reel him in and dispose him after she no longer needed him. She looked up and was met by a beautiful, honest smile. Clarke hesitated for a minute before stepping forward and extending her hand. Octavia glanced at Bellamy, smiling wider. She moved past Bellamy and moved Clarke’s hand out the way. Octavia respected personal space but her brother had spilled the beans. Bellamy had often told her sister how much she loved her during phone calls. It was weird at first but once he mentioned the fact that at least they had each other when their mother died and Clarke instead had to watch her mother drank herself into oblivion, Octavia understood. The hug was brief, tentative yet she tried to convey support and a warm welcome.

Clarke felt her fears dissipate a bit during the hug, it was so brief though she really didn’t have time to process it all. She was thankful.  
“As far as I know, you might be my long lost sister” she said with a bright smile. “welcome to the Big Apple, it’s a bit dirty but it’s home now!”. Clarke felt herself smile at those words. Home, she had forgotten the meaning of the word, she had been so lost, so alone, yet here was this stranger trying to make her feel welcomed. She felt the cold air hit her, she briefly closed her eyes, allowing the comfort of the cold settle her anxiety. 

They hailed a cab and were on their way to what Clarke thought was her home now. The ride wasn’t a long one, Clarke was mesmerized but alive the city looked even though it was nighttime. She spent the ride silently staring out the window. “Welcome home Clarke!” Bellamy said extending his arms and giving Clarke ‘spirit fingers”. Both Octavia and Clarke were amused by his antics, they shuffled in and Clarke took in the apartment. It was small but cozy, she decided then and there she loved it. Bellamy closed the door and showed her to her ‘broom closet’, gave her the tricks on the shower and settle her bags while retiring himself to the living room. 

Clarke stood under the water, letting her unshed tears fall free, mixing with the water. She was happy,sad, homesick and eager to one this new chapter of her life. Once out the shower she was greeted by the sweet smell of Chinese food and playful banter between the Blake’s. Bellamy was animated telling her how far the bar remodeling was coming along. She talked to Octavia about her job and how hard it was sometimes. Being a resident was hard she said. Clarke’s thoughts drifted back to her mother. She was brought back by the sweet and sour chicken, she was starving.

They were getting ready to retire when Octavia approach her. “Thank You” Clarke looked at her like she had grown a second head. “for keeping my brother company. I’m glad he had you, i worry about him, working a lot to give me a shot.” Clarke was about to say he had been a beacon when Octavia’s raised her hand “No, you have done a lot from him. I worried he was alone and overworking himself, it wasn’t easy not having him around and I’m on way to big things because of him. I’m glad you guys had each other. I’m sorry about your dad. I remember him. at PTA’s and stuff, you were a freshman but your dad was a great guy. He stopped by after our mom died, he offered to help if we ever needed anything.” Clarke’s eyes welled up with tears at this, remembering her parents talking about them. Octavia put a hand on her forearm and gave her a small squeeze. “Bel hasn’t said much about your mom except that she took it hard. It was your mom’s comfort on the worst day of my life that pushed me to become a doctor. She comforted me and my brother and she also checked on us a few times after. Look Clarke, I’m not going to pretend I know you because I don’t and I know that you got the shitty end of the stick here so, if you need anything let me know, let Bel know. If you need to talk to someone, my hours are crazy but we’re here.” Octavia looked earnestly at Clarke before continuing “If you need to talk to someone, a professional let me know. I mean it! Bel gave me your number so I’m leaving a miss call, save my number. Don’t let him drag you anywhere without directions though, he thinks because he saw a few episodes of Gossip Girls he ‘knows’ New York!” Clarke found herself smiling at that.  
“Hey it was for educational purposes only and I didn’t know that park was so huge!” They both laugh at that “Yeah big bro, whatever you say XOXO. I’m out you guys call me if you need anything Clarke”. She reiterated her statement again with another squeeze, hugged her brother and left.  
“So Clarke? How does it feel?” he asked as he took a swig of his beer. “I feel like I can actually be someone.” They smiled, it was a genuine smile for a change and Clarke figured she would take this opportunity and start fresh. Once they said their goodnights, Clarke found herself thinking about how her mom and dad had been to support the Blake’s but her mom had crumbled and left her to fend for herself while she drowned herself in booze. It was a bittersweet feeling and she couldn’t stop wondering how her mother was doing in that moment. She could hear the bustling street outside her small window. She climbed out of bed and reached for her sketchbook. The sight outside her window was the first thing she drew. 

She woke up reaching for her dad’s watch, when she reached for it and didn’t find it panic arose fast. She opened her eyes and took in the scenery in front of her, immediately realizing that she was no longer in DC but in NYC. She looked for the watch under her pillow and traced the outline of it trying to control her breathing. It was barely 8am when Bellamy knocked on her door.  
“Clarke, you decent?” he asked. “Gimme a sec Bel. Come in now”.  
“hey! how was your night?” he asked. “Good, drew a little before falling asleep. This is so surreal you know. While I like the feeling of a fresh start, I still feel like Imma wake up to my mom crashing bottles or a wake up call from Kane.” She replied  
“Clarke, I believe that your mom’s drinking was due mainly by the fact that she saves lives, literally you know. And just the fact that she wasn’t able to save your dad’s life maybe, maybe it made her feel like nothing she did would ever be worth it?” Clarke pondered for a minute never even thinking about that. It had never crossed her mind that the sorrow her mother was trying to cope with was the inability to save Jake when that’s what she did just the day before. Clarke never hated herself as much as she had in that one particular moment. She had disregard her mother’s feelings so easily. “you’re right. I didn’t about her or that aspect though.” 

“So I wanted to know if you wanted to come to the bar and see it. You designed it for me, you should see it!” he said somewhat proud. She smiled at him, concern written over his face, she could use the distraction, she enjoyed designing those plans for him. It gave her a bit of meaning and brighten her life in that particular moment. “So shower and coffee then?” has asked him. Smiling brightly Bellamy nodded.

They made the walk, Clarke appreciated that, it was a way of sightseeing without getting lost like Octavia had warned her the night before. They stopped and got another coffee, he was telling her about the blue coffee cup he’d only seen in movies before and how they need to eat Chinese out of the container with the chopsticks. Bellamy was funny, they both felt like small kids in the big city. He told her about the arts and craft store her sister gave him directions to and how they would go get whatever she needed before school started. She was happy for a moment, temporarily pushing the feeling of guilt to the pit where she kept everything else.

“NO FUCKING WAY! Bellamy this is, this is amazing!” she said looking around excitedly. Everything was coming along nice, it was a life size replica of what she had drawn for him back in DC. She thought he was nuts when he brought up the idea of the 80’s/arcade/bar/burger place. ‘Dave and Busters fucking sucks and you know it. It’s like parents who take their five year old to the theater to see an R movie and their kid starts crying in the middle of it’ she thought back to that night when they were talking about ‘his baby’. She was gripping his arm with both her hands, looking around, not being able to believe Bellamy was at the start of his dream. Maybe New York is in fact the city where dreams come true. She turned to her side and hugged him.

“Girlfriend?” asked the voice behind her. “Nah man another baby sis.” Bellamy smiled before extending his hand out as usual. “Clarke this is one of the contractors Lincoln, he’s actually good at it” Both Lincoln and Clarke laugh at this. “So I’m chopped liver?” came the other voice. “Ha ha ha, Clarke meet Finn, he’s also working here with Lincoln”.

Finn smiled and extended his hand to Clarke. She walked around with Bellamy showing her the different areas and the setup of the business. They were a few details changed but other than that it was looking good. She couldn’t wait to see it open and filled with people. She was looking at the list of arcades Bel wanted when Finn asked her “So you and Bellamy?” Smiling expectantly at her. “No, more like big brother!” she said.

“What’s this I heard about you actually drawing this?” he asked. “Well I draw.” “That’s it? You draw?” he asked laughing. She became very self conscious in that moment, as in on cue, Finn caught up to it and just said “I would love to see you ‘just draw’” winking at her. “Clarke, Bellamy is looking for you” came Lincoln’s voice, Clarke waved and left.

“Did you see the list?”. “Bel, I want free quarters”. They both laughed. “How about a job?” Bellamy threw his arm around her shoulder. “Just think about it, you had part in this and I’m the only boss that will fit your schedule around school?” He smirked. “5$ on break so you can play and a burger!” he wiggled his eyebrows. “Just 5$, how ever can I resist that?” She rolled her eyes. “You know I can’t Bel”. She said dejectedly. “Care to elaborate on that?”.

“You’re already doing so much for me, I mean, you took me in and I have money for rent for like 4 months and then, I”. Clarke never got to finish her sentence, Bellamy pulled her close and gave her a weird side embrace. “Clarke, I’ve just introduced you as my little sister. We’ve had this talk already, I thought we were passed that?”. She pulled back and looked at him, her heart swelling with emotions, a brother she thought. 

“That’s exactly why Bel, I don’t want to impose or take advantage of our friendship. You’ve done so much for me, for my mom.” She said earnestly, eyes filling with unshed tears.

“Well, I told you back in DC, your parents Clarke, they were… They were good people, your mom.” He looked up trying to find the words. “I had my sister Clarke, you had nobody. You lost both your parents in the blink of an eye, no one should have to go through that alone. Octavia agreed anyways, she’s kinda the boss. Don’t tell her I said that by-the-way”. He pulled her to his side, standing there shoulder to shoulder, Clarke craved a family, Bellamy and Octavia Blake were giving her just that. No questions asked, wanting nothing in return but the same affection. She let her arm around his waist and gave him a little squeeze, “Okay XOXO gossip boy”. They both laughed at that. It was settled, it was a bond, Bellamy and Octavia had become her people.

“Wait what’s the name of the place again?” She asked. “Thrashers” was the reply. “Like the movie?” she asked again. “Yup just like the movie.”

“Wait do I have to wear a fake cast?” she asked again. “You’ve seen it? No fucking way Clarke. Seriously you’ve seen the movie?” Bellamy asked surprised and excited.  
“Apparently the rents saw it in a Drive-In and they had to see it again and the regular theater because they were too busy making out to watch it. What?” She asked looking pointedly at Bellamy.

“Um, nothing, your eyes, they were sparkling and bright instead of gloomy blue.” He smiled. “Jake was a casanova back in the day huh?’ “That’s gross and no! They did talked about it. My mom had kept the ticket, even though it was all faded, looked like a regular piece of cardboard, but she was always happy to tell the story.” She was in fact smiling, surprised that she elaborated on the subject.  
“So have you gotten a tour of the city ye?” asked Finn. “Not really, I’m still trying to memorize the number of my Chinese order.” She said smiling. “Well the night is still young.” 

“I actually love that song, you’re offering?”. “To sing it? Maybe, if I get to see that smile, yes.” He said pushing his hair back. “I would love to see the city but I do have some paperwork to finish as well as some unpacking. Rain check?” 

“Off course, no problem. Here’s my card, that’s my cel, call me if you need anything. I know you have Bellamy and all but, if you need something, anything, call me.” She took the card and smiled, she wondered why these people were being so nice to her. She knew the Blake’s were out of gratitude, but Finn offering himself to give her a tour of the city, telling her to call him if she needed anything. She thought of Wells and how he had ran away from her the moment things had gotten bad. They grew up together, if they didn’t think of themselves as siblings, hell they might had ended up dating. He betrayed her, in the most important moment of her life, he walked away from her without a word. Here she was now, chance a better life but her past was still hating her. She was so bitter and angry, with herself, with fate. 

She should take Finn’s offer. It’s been so long since she’s been a normal 22 year old. She wasn’t though, she’d just met the guy. Not yet anyways, he was charming and cute. She closed her eyes and took a breath to steady herself, she didn’t need a panic attack in this moment. She was overwhelmed yes, but for the first time in a while, it was good. She opened her eyes finding a worried looking Bellamy standing in front of her. “You ok?” he asked concerned. “Never better actually!”. “You sure?” “Definitely. Dim sum and beer?”  
“You’re on, Griff!.”

Getting used to life in New York wasn’t easy but Clarke was so happy to be away from her nightmare, it didn’t take much. She was actively helping Bellamy at Thrashers, getting ready for orientation and managing the use of the subway. The city allowed possibilities and she was going to take them. Octavia managed to show up every now and then in between shifts, Clarke was just happy her circle of friends was expanding, even though she knew Octavia’s interest had to do with Lincoln. 

Seeing her wearing scrubs was sometimes bittersweet, those scrubs might have been hers a while back. Octavia might had been her friend, working on the same hospital, granted Octavia was a resident, so she might had been an intern but she would of been living up her dreams of helping people. It didn’t matter now, that dream died along with her father, it was buried in the mental institution that held her mother. With sigh she returned to browse the endless 80’s fashions she was staring at. She figured the whole Diner’s outfit wasn’t going to cut it, they needed that 80’s vibe from back then. 

Her phone alerted her of the text message she had received, it was another update of her mother. Kane was texting her every day about her mother and asking if she was ok or if she needed something. It was odd, she knew they had been friends back in the day but once her parents got married Kane had slowly drifted away from them. She was albeit relieved Kane was keeping an eye on Abby, she was going to need all the help she could get. 

She needed a distraction and food, cooking was out of the question and so was take out. Browsing through her contacts she sent a text, seconds later she got her reply.  
‘Be there in 20’- Finn.

Shutting down her laptop, she took a look in the mirror “Yuck”, she made way to wash her face apply a bit of makeup before changing. Grabbing her jacket she walked down the stairs.  
“Ready to go?” Finn asked smiling at her. “You look very pretty he said, giving her that charming smile. She felt her cheeks warm up at the comment. “Are you hungry? Because I’m starving.” She nodded as they started walking. “Wait, where are we going?” she stopped to ask. “I believe you haven’t tried a real Philly Cheese Steak, so it is my mission to make that happen!” 

“Is it now?” she asked looking up at him. “It is!”.

They walked through the busy streets exchanging facts about each other. Clarke kept her end light, not wanting to share her tragedy, while Finn added things about his work, friends and hobbies.  
“It’s good isn’t it?” he asked cheekily. “It’s almost like heaven” she replied. He told her about finding the place when he first arrived to the city. “So wait, you’re not a native new yorker?”  
“Actually no, I came here after my dad died. Um, he past away and I just couldn’t be there anymore. I couldn’t call that place home anymore.” He said while shoving his hands into his pockets. She thought about what he said and she felt like maybe she should open as well. She didn’t know if Bellamy had said anything, Octavia knowing was a given, the Blake’s didn’t seem to keep secrets between them, but she didn’t know if Bellamy had shared anything about her. “Did I upset you?” he asked looking worried at her. “No, um, not at all. It’s nice getting to know someone else, you know. I think Bellamy might be getting tired of hearing me talking to be honest.” She said with a smile.  
“I don’t think so, he really cares for you. But if he did, I wouldn’t mind taking up the spot you know!” “You got jokes and those are pretty huge shoes to fill” she said. He looked at her and confusion graced his features. Bellamy had said ‘little sister’ a lot. Was there more to that? Did Clarke have feelings for Bellamy? “Hey you ok?” she asked placing her hand gently on his forearm.  
“Yeah, yeah, sorry about that, I get lost in my head sometimes. So you and Bellamy?” he placed his hand over hers. “What?” she laughed. “I’m not really into that incestious vibe. I love Bellamy, but like a brother. Why does everyone I know keeps asking us that?” she frowned.  
“Maybe is the way he looks at you or the way you speak about him?” he told her looking apologetic.

Clarke took a deep breath, she closed her eyes for a moment, when she opened the she found Finn’s concerned eyes on her. “Ok, I’m not, I’m not a big fan of my bio but since you were about to open up, let me also share something with you.”  
“Before you do, would you like some coffee there’s this place across the street. If we’re going to share something deep, let’s do it over coffee and sitting down instead of the middle of the sidewalk.”  
Clarke looked at him and realized they were in fact talking in the middle of the sidewalk. “Lead the way Mr tourist guide!”

Finn was currently looking at her like she had grown 2 heads. She felt naked under his stare, she knew she shouldn’t had told that to a complete stranger. How could she be so stupid into thinking that he would understand? His dad dying did not mean they had a lot in common or he would understand. But she felt compelled in the moment, she felt she needed to get it out the way. 

“I’m sorry Finn, I’m just gonna go. I don’t know why I told you that to be honest. It’s my dirty little secret. I guess I wanted to share why the Blake’s were so nice to me and in order for you to understand you needed the whole story.” She said as she gathered her things only to be stopped by Finn’s hand on her’s.  
“Clarke no, that’s not what I was thinking at all. Sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable, it’s just, we kinda share the same background and I couldn’t believe it. Please, sit?”. Clarke was unable to look him in the eyes fearing what she would be met with, she did sit back down, staring at her coffee.  
“Um my mom, she abandoned my dad and I, she left him, us, for another man. My dad raised me by himself, he never remarried. I, well he would sometimes get mad at me you know, for her leaving. I wasn’t part of the plan at the time and I guess in a way he blamed me. I tried to win his love but it was to no use. I got a job and finish school, thought about college a few times but just got into construction with a buddy of mine.” Clarke gave him her attention, taking in every word he was saying, thinking of how bad he had it. Clarke lost her dad because some lowlife with no job wanted to shoot up. Unlike Finn, her parents were loving and supportive. She knew her mom suffered from a broken heart and she drowned on her pain but she never hurt Clarke. She had consoled Clarke until Abby let her comfort drown her in bottles of booze.

She couldn't imagine growing up like Finn, with her mother leaving him behind with his dad who basically blamed him for her leaving. She knew in that moment that she wouldn’t, she couldn’t be held back anymore by her tragedy, by her father’s death or her mother alcoholism. She knew if Finn in spite of everything he had been through had managed to make it, so would she. This was a leap of faith and she was going to make a name out her. She was going to take New York City by the horns and become the artist her father once told her she could become. Remembering mother’s words ‘well whatever you want to do Clarke, I’ll support you, you can be whatever you want honey’. 

Hanging out with Finn had become a thing, he would sometimes join the binge watching of 80’s movies along with Bellamy, he sometimes stayed and gave opinions on the bar, which was almost ready for opening. As time went by, she found herself spending a lot of time with him and she didn’t mind one bit. “Clarke, would you go out with me?” She looked up from the drawing she was making with curiosity. “Go out? Where to?”.  
“No, I mean like a date. You know, dinner, dessert?” She smiled and accepted. She felt like she was walking on air after their first date. She made Bellamy listen as she told him what a gentleman Finn was. As time went by Finn knew just how to capture her heart, from dates that consisted on her painting on Central Park, to cafe’s, Philly cheesesteaks sandwiches, to romantic dances. Clarke was swooning.  
She couldn’t believe this was her life and soon she found herself regretting ever accepting Finn’s offer to date her. She thought nothing of it at first. Too naive to even notice the signs, to tell the difference. Finn never pushed her at first, he never once laid a hand on her. She willingly and lovingly gave him her virginity. He had no idea, he wasn’t even expecting it, so her telling him in between kisses that she was still a virgin made him smile, he hugged her and told her not to worry about it. ‘I’m not a virgin Clarke but I will give myself to you as if it were my first time too’ he whispered into her ear. She felt butterflies and all her nerves went away. She enjoyed the moment, truly gave herself to him. Afterwards, Finn had become ‘possessive’ and she found it endearing that he cared for her that much, she found herself spending longer time at Finn’s, per his request of course. She was overwhelmed and that had cost her.  
Opening night for Thrashers was amazing, the place was packed. They had made flyers and spread them all throughout NYC, at college, the hospital where Octavia worked. A Lot of people liked the idea of an 80’s bar, it was simple and fresh. Arcade’s were fun, food was good and the service was amazing. Clarke had told Finn she was heading ‘home’ with Bellamy, that’s how she found herself pinned against the wall with Finn’s hand tightening on her neck. “You think I’m fucking stupid? All this time you’ve been using me to make Bellamy jealous.” She tried to loses his grip but he was too strong, she tried pleading with him but for a moment he was lost, his eyes were vacant, she tried to call his name, tears streaming down her face.  
“Fuck. Clarke please, please I’m sorry.” He released his grip and stepped back “Clarke please, I’m sorry.” He was so apologetic but that didn’t mean anything to her, this was it. “Clarke I LOVE YOU. I’m sorry, I know you’re too good for me. I’ll leave you alone, I’m sorry for hurting you.”  
She looked at him thinking back to those nights where he would tell her how his dad would just wake him up with blows in the middle of the night for no reason. This was the guy that had told her about his fears, that had accepted her despite everything she thought of herself. He loved her, he really loved her. She was confused, he didn’t mean it, here he was apologizing to her, telling her she was too good for him. He was insecure, maybe she didn’t show him how much she really liked him. She made him insecure, she shouldn't have, he had been nothing but nice and understanding to her and he loved her, dead dad, drunk mom and all.  
“It’s ok, Finn, look at me.” She reached out to him, embracing him. It was her fault right? She had caused this, this was on her, she didn’t love him, not yet, but she might as well. “Hey Finn, look at me, please?” Finn raised his head, looking at her through blurry eyes, returning her embrace, holding on tight to her, breathing her in. Taking what she was giving him.  
It wasn't supposed to happen again, he wasn’t supposed to hit her again, ever. The first time was a mistake, but was the second? The third? Everything was spinning out of her grasp, of her control and she could only blame herself. She had stood up to take a shower, when she came out, Finn grabbed her by the hair and slapped her, hard. He was breathing heavily, she couldn't understand what he was saying, why was he hitting her now? He was yelling, her ears ringing, the she saw the papers he was holding, the phone bill, her cellphone bill.  
“All this fucking time you said you were talking to your mom and I fucking believed you. Yoiu lying fucking cunt. Why the fuck do I call this number and a man answers the phone Clarke?” He slapped her again and again. She could barely think, let alone speak. What was he talking about? Then it clicked. “Kane.” she managed to croak out. Finn stopped his hand mid air and pressed on her neck harder before releasing her. Her hands instinctively went to her neck. “It’s Kane, Finn. He is a friend of my parents, he’s the chief of police back home. He’s been looking after my mom, we speak every time, he’s the one that’s been relaying her progress to me since the hospital refuses to because of health laws.” She managed to rush out in between sobs.  
“Why didn’t you said this sooner? You could’ve avoided all of this. I work hard Clarke, I work hard so you don’t have to. I provide for you and make sure you’re taken care of and you can’t share shit like this with me. I’m not going to apologize, this was on you.” He finished his statement poking her in the chest. Grabbing her bruised face he leaned in and kissed her. “Get cleaned up, I wanna make babies tonight.”  
She stood in shock, unable to process what he’d said, what he did. How can he act like this is ok? Babies? No, never, she thought. Closing her eyes she took a breath and walked back into the shower. She knew how he got when it came to sex, how fast the sweet love making had turn into a nightmare. He only thought about him, thrusting into her until he got off, not caring about her. His rough hands pressing herd on her thighs marking her porcelain skin with blueish handprints, twisting her nipples hard. Sex went from loving, from sharing their love into a task, a job she hated. Clarke found herself robotic laying there, letting her abuse her body, her soul.  
She’s learned her lesson from the first time she said something. She had to text Bellamy and told him she couldn’t come to work the next day. Finn tied her up and fucked her, not the good fucking you share with your partner, but the fucking that is also known as rape. He pushed himself inside her over and over, he made her touch herself while he watched and recorded it on his phone, ‘For later’ He’d told her.  
Clarke found herself wondering if she was the only one, he was always careful with the bruises he’d leave on her. He only slapped her face, knowing that the red mark would wear off and whatever was left could be attributed to the heat or cold weather. The rest of her body wasn’t that lucky, he was relentless. In all her 23 years she had never know what a punch was, now thanks to Finn, she knew how to take one and care for it. She had become a master in her lies, very creative when it came to them. She had been able to fool Bellamy, Lincoln and even Octavia once or twice, her mom being a doctor had really paid off.  
It was ironic to be honest, she could master to deceive the people that really care for her yet she couldn't leave the only one that was taking her apart. She’s thought about going to Bellamy and telling him everything, to ask him to go to the police with her. She couldn't though, the Blakes were so happy, they had everything going on for them, who was she to ruin them too? She couldn't be this selfish, not with them who had cared for her and helped her. She’d thought about killing herself often. This would be her safe haven, she would kill herself and if she was lucky she’ll take Finn with her .to make sure he wouldn’t hurt anyone else. Kane was looking after her mother and her father was dead, this would be her best shot at peace. Living in fear had become a burden she didn't know how to carry and it was weighing in on her by the second or maybe Finn would kill her, tonight she felt like he was.  
It was a normal night at Thrashers, the place had died down a bit by the time Octavia and Anya came in. For the first time she found herself jealous of having girl friends around. Seeing Octavia interact with Anya stabbed at her heart, it only got worse when Raven Reyes made her entrance. They were waiting for the take out for their friend, Alexa, Lexa? The name had been lost in the amusing back and forth banter between the friends. She thought what it would be like if instead of Anya it was her and Octavia playing around, sharing an apartment, switching shifts, this could have been her, maybe, in another life perhaps.  
Raven walked in and after pecking her girlfriend Anya, she introduced herself. She was a promising engineer student in NYU, her thoughts briefly went to her dad. “Clarke, this is Raven Reyes, she’s not as cool as us but she’s alright.” came Octavia’s voice pulling her out of her thoughts. Clarke stretched out her hand in greeting. “Oh so you’re the artist?” came Raven’s question. “That would me, yes.”  
“Well Clarke it’s a pleasure to meet you. If you’re not too busy you could come to my place, I’m having a little ‘rendezvous’ this weekend if you’re not busy.” Raven extended the invitation smiling. “Love to go actually, I’ll just have to check my schedule.” She smiled. “Well you do that, I hope you get to come, we’ve heard a lot about you and we haven’t actually heard it from you.” She winked at her while throwing her arm over Anya.  
“Order up, tell Lexa those fries are actually fresh, I don’t need you doctors giving my place crappy reviews.” Bellamy smirked playfully at them. Octavia took the bag and kissed her brother. “Catch you guys around. Clarke, make sure you can come out to Raven’s. You need to expand your circle of friends!”  
All this time Finn was casually standing by the entrance watching their interaction. “It was nice to finally meet you Clarke.” Anya said while Raven waved at her. Clarke’s smile dissipated the moment she noticed Finn was there. She didn’t know why but Finn had that look, for anyone else it was a ‘work was ok’ look but for Clarke, it was the ‘you fucked up’ look. She knew it was always a matter of time before he found something to beat her up about. Tonight she had no idea why but she knew it was coming. “Octavia, ladies.” He smiled at them and walked towards Clarke, he shook Bellamy’s hand and leaned over the counter to press a kiss to her temple, smoothly yanking her hair while he did. Yup, I’m fucked, Clarke thought to herself.  
“You dirty fucking dyke, you disgusting fucking whore.” he spat towering at her. Bleeding from her forehead and clutching her stomach, Clarke was confused, dyke? Whore? She was with him, why would he say that to her. “You had your fair share of dick now you wanna be a dirty fucking lesbian. Were you even a fucking virgin when you threw yourself at me?” His foot on her chest managing to flat her whole body on the floor. Clarke felt like her insides were snapping. She closed her eyes, the smooth cold surface of the floor managed to block out the pain for a moment, she felt comfort, bad move though.  
“ARE YOU EVEN FUCKING LISTENING TO ME?” came his harsh tone pulling her out of her comfort zone again. “Oh I will fucking teach you how to listen to me, you will never forget. You wanna eat pussy Clarke, guess what, Imma straighten you out Imma fuck you straight again.” She stopped struggling when Finn smashed her head against the floor. She laid on the floor broken, battered, soaked on her blood and his semen. She laid there crying, feeling like death, wanting to actually die. He’d left her lying there, coming back with her cellphone. She knew what she had to do, text Bellamy to tell him she wouldn’t be able to make her shift for the next couple of days, get up, get cleaned up and join Finn in bed. Rinse and repeat like an everyday thing at this point.  
Why was Finn so harsh about Anya and Raven though? Same sex marriage was legalized, actors and actresses were out on Hollywood, there were even movies and tv shows about that? What bothered him so much? She wondered if Finn’s mom had left his father for another woman, could that be it? She winced as she felt the water hit her skin. She stayed in the shower for as long as she could. She’ll stand under the cold water if she could, anything but laying next to Finn.  
Why couldn't Finn just leave her? Why did he insist on having her around? This beating was bad and that was good, that meant she had some time before the next one came. Too much damaged was a dead giveaway and apparently he was smart about that, almost as if he’d done this before. Had him? He’d never mentioned any other relationship before she came along, it was always a ‘this girl i knew or this girl I dated’ were they even alive? 

Sleep overtook her body before she even realized it. Days went by and Clarke made sure she’d stayed in line. Avoiding situations that upset Finn was a temporary solution to her problem, with him off her back she could concentrate on her art and studies. Her art had become somewhat dark, her charcoal drawings were the perfect outlet, the contrast of the white paper resembled another life, brightness, a place where she was free and happy. The charcoal was the boundaries between her reality and she’d hope for when she first arrived to NYC. The lines she’d traced, the shadows managed to catch her current state of just that, darkness. With Finn starting a new project down at Tribeca, she found a lot of time to work on her artistic release, expressing her abusive current relationship without painting anything abusive. Finn had taken control over her entire life, her calls, classes, schedule, hanging out with Bellamy even the calls with Kane about Abby and her period. He had cut her off from booze and made her quit smoking a habit she had picked from him, talk about fucking irony.  
At least there would be no baby though. She had planned it down to a T. She pretended to go to school, leaving her bag in the art room, knowing Finn had installed that app tracker thing. She had browsed on the campus computer the free clinics close to school, with Finn down at Tribeca it was safe for her to make the walk down to the clinic. The free clinic was the greatest thing that ever happened to her, knowing her insurance wasn’t going to be used, she knew there was no way he would even suspect. She used her middle name as her first name and gave a bogus address from the campus dorms, the address matched so they weren't going to not see her. That’s what free clinics were for.  
As she neared the clinic she’d realized the clinic was on the same hospital Octavia and her friends worked at, without her phone, she couldn’t casually text her and ask her if she was working and with Finn up her ass about Octavia’s dyke friends, she was kind of glad. She became nervous at the sight of the hospital, she prayed that nobody recognized her.  
“Abigail Adams Clarke.” The woman called waiting for someone to rise. “Abigail Adams Clarke.” The woman called again exasperated. “Fuck.” she cursed under her breath forgetting about her anagram. She rolled her eyes and walked towards the woman. Everything went down smoothly, Clarke received her contraceptive shot, that would keep Finn from procreating, hopefully.  
Clarke felt relieved for once in a very long time, her walk back to school was beautiful, feeling free she was able to take in everything around her. She took every in every sound, people walking by, the snow covered streets, she felt inspired. Having a bit of control over her body in this little aspect gave her that, inspiration, power and relief.  
Her thoughts were cut off short as she neared campus. Once she grabbed her bag she would have to go back to her hell hole, or she could leave Finn. She could take a train and hide then contact Kane and go back to DC. She could do this, Finn was at work, she had time to. Clarke settled into action as she left campus determined to leave this life behind. She was done with Finn, she wondered why didn’t she ever did this before. She could leave the phone at the house and he would think she was there instead she would be on her way to the train station, taking her freedom back.  
She’d arrived home, she managed to think of light things to take with her, necessities only, art supplies could easily be replaced, especially since Finn had gotten her a few, after a beating of course. She couldn’t contain her smile, she was really doing this, the closer she got to the door, the happier she’d got. That’s until Finn opened the door as she was in hand’s reach of the handle.  
“Going somewhere Clarke?’ tone as cold as the weather outside.  
“The bar. I um, I, I wanted to paint and the ba…”  
Clarke felt the punch on her face before she could finish that sentence. When she opened her eye, she was met with blurry vision and dark spots, she blinked several times, trying to adjust her vision but she just felt another blow and then another and another.

“Nobody leaves me you bitch” he’d toppled her, grabbing her throat as he kept punching her. “I will kill you, just like I killed my dad for being weak.” Her head was ringing at this point and she had no idea if she had heard right, honestly at this point she really didn’t care, she needed to make him stop.  
“You’re leaving for some pussy? Who the fuck did you meet? Are you leaving with Bellamy? ANSWER ME NOW.”  
Clarke couldn't speak though, her body ached, she couldn't see or breathe, she could only hear him. “I warned you about this, but you couldn’t listen could you fucking whore? Guess what? Now i’m going to kill you, then I’m going to find your mom and last but definitely not least, I’ll come back for Bellamy.”  
Finn kept true to his word, as he kicked her, her nose and lip were bleeding, she could taste it, she could feel the warm liquid starting to stick to her face, he’d choked her so hard she couldn’t find her voice. Her chest hurt, her hands. She felt underwater, she couldn’t make the sounds around her, she cursed herself for leaving the phone in the room. She closed her eyes but was forced to open them by Finn.  
“Look at me Clarke, look at me. I warned you this would happen, you want to leave me, go ahead but know it’s in a body bag.”  
Clarke frowned as she saw the knife, she felt a sharp pain on her stomach, it stung, she could see him pushing his hand back and forth two more times before she felt too sleepy to keep her eyes open. 

 

 

“All I’m saying is that she’s been acting weird O. She came to work with a bruise on her forehead and said something about being clumsy.”  
“Bel maybe you're overreacting. People bump into shit all the time.”  
“I hugged her the other day and first she gold all weird like a statue and then she winced, then she looked all apologetic. She’s been acting weird always looking around, like someone is watching her.”  
“Bellamy, she’s working and going to school and she has a boyfriend who probably wants sex, it's normal for her to be tired. You know she’s strong, she came to you once she’ll do it again.”  
Octavia was trying to keep her brother calm, she knew him and the bond he and Clarke had built, he was overreacting right?  
“I’m going to her place, I’ve texted her and called her and it goes straight to voicemail. I’ll talk to you later O.”  
“Just keep me updated Bel, I promise if you don’t hear from her I’ll help you look for her when my shift it’s over.”  
“Ok.”

Bellamy asked Gina to cover for him, he was imagining things, he’d seen the changes in CLarke after her relationship with Finn started. There’s no way his mind could be playing tricks on him. He knew Clarke, they spent a lot of time talking back in DC. He saw how withdrawn she was, once he got her out here, it started dissipating, she was open to new possibilities and opportunities. Just as fast as she started dating FInn he noticed the change.  
How she walked like she was in pain, how she’d freeze up whenever he tried to hug her or simply touched her. Then she came to work with the split brow, that wasn’t the ‘I bumped into the wall bruise’ it was something else. She had changed and not .for the better like he’d hoped.  
He took the stairs as fast as he could, he knocked and called her name, no reply, no sound whatsoever. He tried to shake the door but it didn't budge. He knocked a few more times, just as he was about to give up, he saw the half pint of blood on the floor. He panicked, he started calling for Clarke again and again, he stood back and kicked the door several times before just stepping back and ruching at the door.  
The apartment was dark, he absentmindedly reached for the wall looking for the light l=]switch. When the lights came on, he wished he hadn’t. He was met by Clarke laying on the floor covered in blood. He couldn’t make out her face, her blonde hair was covered in blood sticking to her face. He walked over to her and leaned down, “Clarke, Clarke I’m here, I’m here. It’s gonna be okay you hear me? I’ve got you.”  
Reaching for his cell phone he dialed 911 fast. He didn't know if she was breathing he told the operator, she was telling him what to do as she made the call to the paramedics.  
He couldn’t believe this was happening, how could he be so blind? Why did he wait so long to do something. He grabbed Clarke, lifting her shirt looking for the source of the bleeding like the operator told him to. He gasped, he couldn’t believe his eyes, that’s when he heard the tiniest noise coming from Clarke. “No.”  
That was it, that was all she managed to say. His eyes welled with tears, he tried to reassure her, speaking softly to her, telling her help was on the way. When the paramedics arrived, they pushed him aside and started working on Clarke. Putting her on the stretcher, he could barely answer their questions. Once she was placed in the ambulance, he’d called Octavia telling her he was on the way to the hospital with Clarke.

Standing on the bay were Reyes, Chief Indra Rosewood, Anya and her. She’s almost dropped her phone when Bellamy told her what he was greeted with. Anya called her name relaying the information the nurse gave them and pulling her towards the bay, she knew it was bad.  
Before she knew it, the paramedics were pulling out a stretcher with, “No that couldn’t be her.” Clarke was unrecognizable, Bellamy covered in blood and crying made her freeze on the spot.  
“Dr Blake, Dr Blake.” The chief called out to her.  
“Chief that’s her brother.” Anya said.  
“Is she related to the patient?” she asked as they were [pushing Clarke inside the hospital.  
“Yes.” Octavia said with conviction.  
“Dr Woods page another resident, she’s off the case.”

Octavia rushed to her brother, concern taking over her features. “Are you ok? What happened? Tell me Bellamy, are you ok?” She cried as she waited for him to answer. “It’s not mine, it’s, it’s Clarke’s.” He pulled her sister in for a hug. “I’m ok, I promise. What happens now?”  
“I’m off the case, Raven and Anaya are with her and the chief, she’s in good hands. Let me help you clean up.”  
The Blakes walked into the hospital, Octavia pointing in the bathroom direction telling Bellamy she’ll be back with a shirt for him. She should’ve gone with him, she should’ve have listened to him. She knew everything he’d said made sense, she’s seen it many times at the clinic. Clarke couldn’t be one though, there was no way she could’ve foreseen this. She berated herself as she walked into the locker room hoping one of the guys was around.  
“No Costia, you made that choice for us. You decided this not me. I never asked you for time, I didn’t need to figure anything out. This is on you now. I have to go.” Lexa’s voice could be heard from outside the locker room. For someone who was the epitome of control, Costia knew just what buttons to press. They had been together since med school, they’ve interned in the same hospital, they were good and happy. One day Costia just comes out of nowhere and tell her that she had applied way back into this program and she really couldn’t turn it down. “Lexa, I love you and you love me. We're going to be ok, we can make this work.” Costia was confident their relationship could transcend distance, she was wrong.  
Two months after arriving to Chicago, she told Lexa it was too much and constantly worrying about them was not helping. Some time apart would do the trick though. Lexa was ok with the distance, she knew their schedules were be hectic, she was even ok with some phone sex, apparently Costia was not ok. She began to doubt everything they had built and soon she found herself telling Lexa that their long distance relationship was taking a toll on her and it was showing.  
Lexa put her phone away as Octavia walked in. “What are you doing here?”  
“I need. I’m looking for. Um have you seen Rogers?”  
Lexa frowned at her friend, she was nervous and sweating. “O, come here, you’re shaking. I thought you were out back?”  
“Our friend, Clarke, she. Bellamy had been suspicious and went looking for her. He found her. It’s. It’s not. There was so much blood, he was covered in blood and I.”  
“It’s ok, hey come here.” Lexa held her friend. Their friendship went back to med school, they got paired as roommates. Lexa knew about her mother’s death and her brother helping her become a doctor. She was touched, she made her think of Anya, her favorite sister, because she was her only sister, like Anya told her all the time. While her parents were very much alive, they were in the Woods sister’s house. Both being doctors duty called for them often. She didn't mind at first, they were saving lives but then it turned into dinners, international recognition and everything went downhill from there. N  
Anya had promised her that they would not become their parents, taking advantage of their parents status allowed them to intern in the same hospital. She thought Octavia would be repulsed by her being gay, she avoided her at all costs, once she confronted her and she spilled the beans, Octavia laughed at her and asked her who the girl was. She gave Costia the ‘you hurt my friend, I’ll hurt you speech’.  
‘Who’s on the case?” Lexa asked as she looked into the lockers for the shirt she knew Octavia was looking for.  
“Your sister, Reyes and the chief, I don’t know who else.” ‘She’s in good hands O. Let’s go find your brother, my shift is done, I’ll wait with you guys.”  
They made their way back to Bellamy, none spoke a word, they saw him speaking with two men, probably the police.  
“So you just happen to find her there?” detective JOhnson asked. “Yes.”  
“Why did you went looking for her? Are you and Ms Griffin involved?” asked the other detective. “No, why would you. That’s not, Clarke is like my sister, I know her from DC her folks helped me out. That’s it. I don't see her like that.” Bellamy was fuming at the idea the detectives had. “Listen you should be looking for Finn, her ex boyfriend, before I find him.” “Does this Finn have a last name?”  
“Collins. Finn Collins.” “Why would you think this Finn is involved in this?” “because, that’s why I went looking for her in the first place.” “Care to elaborate on that Mr Blake?” “Clarke changed when they started dating.”  
The detectives shared a look and nodded for Bellamy to continue. “She basically cut me off as a friend when they started dating. She moved in with him but it was like she dreaded going there. I noticed bruises sometimes and she looked all paranoid.” He looked up at the ceiling trying to gather his thoughts and explain in words. “She was either limping or had a bruise. I told my sister I was going to confront her today. I left work early to catch her. When I got to their place I knocked a few times.”  
Bellamy told them the story all up until they had found him. They informed him, they still needed him to go down to the station and that they were going to leave an officer behind to watch over Clarke once she got out of surgery. Octavia walked over to her brother and gave them the shirt to change. They both were concerned as to leave Clarke here, alone, worried Finn might finish the job.  
“I’ll let you guys know when she’s out of surgery.” Lexa told them, Octavia was about to protest but Lexa beat her to it. “Listen, if this guy really did this to her, it’s better if you’re with your brother. Anya and Raven are in there with her, I’ll text you updates. I have to chart anyways, I’ll do it in her room once they’re done with her.” Octavia was mulling over the info, Lexa sighed at her friend “O, they left a cop too and not a fat one. We got her. Go with Bellamy and text me, I’ll do the same.”  
That was all it took before the Blake’s were making their way downtown. Lexa made her way to the board looking for the OR in which Clarke was. She walked over washing before entering. She was met with chaos, the chief was about to shock Clarke.  
“Clear.” She saw how her chest rose with the shock. Raven was working on her while Anya was more O+. There was no way she could relay this info to Octavia. “I got a pulse.” She heard this and waited.  
“That was fucking brutal.”  
“Dr Woods, you did good but watch your mouth. This is a hospital not he NAVY.”  
“Yes Chief.”  
“Put her in ICU, there should be an officer there according to the information given by the paramedics. Make sure Dr Blake knows but send her home. Good job everyone.”  
“Yes Chief.”  
“Dr Woods, any reason in particular you’re sitting here?” the chief asked as she walked past Lexa not waiting for an answer.  
“Lex? Where’s Octavia?” “She went down to the station with Bellamy. What the deal?” She asked her sister. “Waiting game. We had to take out the spleen, broken ribs, severe concussion, her eye was pretty bad but we have to wait.”  
“So I should tell Octavia what exactly? Hey your friend is on the brink of death?”  
“Lexa she knows how this works, she was there when she was brought in. She’d lost a lot of blood.” Anya pinched the bridge of her nose. “Just tell her we’re moving her to ICU and waiting. What are you doing here anyways?”  
“I told her I would stay, I do have charts to finish.”  
Raven approached the sisters putting her hand on Anya. “Just try and get some rest Lexa. You’ve been up for about 40 hours. Charts will still be there after some shut eye.”  
“I’ll stop by in a bit and get you some coffee.” Anya told Lexa walking towards the ER. Lexa went to get her charts and took the elevator to the ICU sending OCtavia the text message relaying the information her sister gave her.  
What made her stay with him, she couldn’t stop wondering. They all had seen their share of Clarke’s in the hospital before but none of them were people they knew. She hadn’t gotten a chance to meet Clarke but the Blake’s spoke about her like family so she couldn’t be that bad. She stepped inside the room, the monitors the only noise in the room. She was woken up but her phone vibrating. Costia, no today she thought. She got up and looked at Clarke, she went over her vitals quick.Stepping outside she saw the cop sitting, she made her way to the bathroom.  
She frowned on the way back, nurses running into Clarke’s room, she almost jogged, finding a very awake Clarke and the two officers she saw earlier taking Bellamy statement.  
“What’s going on here?” She demanded to know. “Ms Griffin stirred awaked, we need her statement.” “You gotta be fucking kidding me. Get out.” “Dr, the sooner we speak to her the faster we catch the guy that did this.”  
“My patient was just attacked, she was stabbed and beaten by a male and she has two man, twice her size, towering over her. GET OUT. NOW.” Lexa got close to Clarke and spoke. “Ms Griffin? Clarke? My name is Lexa, I’m a friend of Octavia, I need you to look at me ok?” Lexa could hear the monitor, she knew what this was. “Clarke, you have a tube in your throat to help you breathe, i can’t take it out now.” Lexa turned off the monitor and saw the tears streaming down Clarke’s eyes. Reaching carefully for one of her hands, she guided it to her chest. “Clarke focus on my breathing ok? I need you to calm down ok. Just follow my breathing. You’re ok, you're safe.”  
Clarke could barely move but she found herself nodding a bit at Lexa’s words. Everything was hazy, why was she here? Why couldn’t she move? She felt the cold, she remember the smell. Why did all hospitals smell alike? The she remembered, Finn. She was leaving and he found her, he beat her and then the knife. He said he would kill them. She needed to talk, to let them know, she need to keep them safe.  
Lexa felt Clarke’s breathing slowing down but it suddenly spike back up. “Clarke, please I need you to calm down.” She said again, Clarke’s fingers started to poke at her, she grabbed her hand as she struggled to speak around the tube. She was lost, she would have to sedate her to keep her from hurting herself. Lexa was about to move away but Clarke had a hold on her hand. She looked down at her hand and then back at Clarke.  
More tears were streaming down her face, she was unconsolable. She looked at her moving closer to her. “I’m going to remove the tube but you have to stay still ok? Squeeze my hand if you understand.” She did as she was told, Clarke knew the cops were outside, all she needed was to tell them to keep Finn from hurting her friends, her people, her family.  
Lexa put on the gloves and moved back to the bed. She told Clarke everything she was doing. “Your throat might be sore and you um, have bruising on your neck, wouldn’t be better if I got you pen and paper?” Lexa asked kicking herself about removing the tube before realizing she wouldn’t be able to speak anyways. Reaching for her notepad and pen she place it on Clarke’s hand carefully. The first thing she managed to scribble was the name Finn.  
“I need to get at least one detective here ok? I’ll be here with you though.” Clarke nodded at this.  
“Only one of you can come in. She’s afraid and in bad shape, Do Not Push HER? You understand? Whatever she gives, that’s what you’ll take.” “We’re just trying to find the douche doc.” The officer said actually looking apologetic. “I get it. Do your job without disturbing her.” The officer followed Lexa and stood right in front of the door allowing the doctor to speak to her patient. “Clarke, this detective right here is going to help you ok? Just write what you can but don't push yourself.” She nodded and wrote some more on the pad. “Finn hurt fami 2” Lexa looked at the paper and frowned, knowing that this wasn’t much, she handed the paper to the officer who looked as confused as she did.  
“Clarke, Finn did this right?” She asked, Clarke trying to nod. She was distracted by her phone vibrating. She thought about giving the phone to Clarke, it was easier typing than writing. As she pulled it out a picture of Octavia appeared on her screen, Clarke instinctively poked the screen looking at Lexa. She looked at her best friend’s face before looking back at Clarke, that’s when it hit her. “Officer, Finn might have threaten to hurt her family too.” He looked down at the paper and it made sense, Finn Hurt Family 2. Finn would hurt my family too. He walked out talking to both the men outside, getting on the radio.  
“You did good Clarke, the police is going to catch him. You can’t speak but I’ll call Octavia and let her know. Clarke barely nodded drifting into unconsciousness.  
Lexa walked outside the room, noticing the officer checking out the exits and asking the nurses about who was allowed on this floor.  
“Hello? O? Yeah, she’s ok, she actually was up for a bit. She had a panic attack. No she’s ok now, she’s asleep. I need you to listen to me ok? Clarke said that the guy, Finn, was going to hurt her family too. By her reaction when your picture came up I’m thinking you and Bellamy.”  
“Her mom, shit we have to call DC, her mom is there.”  
“Yeah do that and Octavia, don’t wonder off alone ok. I got her but I need to know you’re ok too.”


	3. Undercover Agents and shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is a very strong character so this is phase is merely temporary. All this needs to happen in order for the story to be told. I believe Clarke cares too much, she's selfless but no weak. Hope you all enjoy so far. I know it started off dark but clexa is light.

Clarke’s progress is slow, drifting in and out of unconsciousness. Everytime she opens her eyes, she’ll find someone sitting next to her. Bellamy, Octavia, Raven and Anya, work their way around Clarke, making sure she’s not alone when she wakes up. She’s able to recognize the for those brief seconds, she hears them chat or she hears voices. Every now and then Clarke would wake up and find forrest green eyes looking at her. She’s entranced by those mesmerizing eyes that held her steady when she first woke up.

Set up in a private room away from prying eyes gave Bellamy peace of mind God knows the cop on the chair didn’t. It had been almost three weeks and they still had no clue where Finn was. Kane had taken the news bad, he couldn’t tell Abby about Clarke, she had begun to show progress, not much but it was a start. Kane upped the security around the health facility and spread his picture around. 

He took a look at Clarke, she looked small, her face still covered with bruises. How could he had allowed this to happened? How could he be so blind? HE gripped the rails of Clarke’s bed so tight his knuckles were white. ‘Get it under control’ he told himself, he couldn’t be kicked out of Clarke’s room again. When he first saw Clarke after the incident he’d lost it, punching the walls, screaming, crying. The Chief had kicked his ass out. Octavia explain to him that the cause of Clarke staying in that hospital was an outburst of rage like his. He understood in that moment but fuck he was so angry. Lincoln took him out, they talked, he cried and punched some drywood until he couldn’t stand.  
Slowly he realized that in order to help his friend, he couldn’t do this anymore. He’d asked Gina to keep running the bar, he went there every other day before closing time, he put flyers up with Finn’s face and kept an eye on the girls in his bar. Glancing over at Clarke’s bed again, he saw his friend, how shitty the situation had turned. He was convinced that after this, she’ll most likely be returning back home. He’d failed her.  
He’d promised her help, a new start and he’d fucked that up. It was more than what her parents did, Clarke was his friend and he was too stupid and too late to help her. “The police better catch Finn before I do. I promise you CLarke, I will find him and kill him myself.” There was a knock on the door, he wiped his tears and turned to open it.  
“Figured you might be hungry.” Gina was standing there with a bag and coffee in her hands, smiling somewhat shy at him. “THank you. I’m not really hungry though.” Gina laughed. “The coffee is for you, the bag with the goodies is for me.” She winked. Bellamy narrowed his eyes. “What’s the point of bringing me food then?” “Well you’re not eating so I just bring you coffee and eat your food. How’s she doing?”  
“Honestly, I have no idea, I mean, she’ll get up and barely open her eyes and just drift back.” “YOu should probably get some of her IV in a cup and drink it, you look like shit Blake.” She smirked. “I’m still your boss you know.” “Yeah, yeah, whatever you say. But um Bel, you really should try and rest a bit.” “You know I can’t. I felt like I was asleep throughout this whole thing. Maybe if I had said something sooner.”He started crying. Gina pulled him into a hug and allowed him that.  
“Are you in love with her?” She asked once Bellamy had stopped. “What? NO! Why does everyone keeps asking me that.” “I’m sorry Bellamy, I just. It was a stupid question, I’m sorry.”  
“NO, you know what, NO. I’m tired of people asking the same thing or implying shit all the time. She had NOBODY, I had my sister, Octavia had me. Clarke had nobody. MOnths after he dad died her mother was a wreck. She drank so much she got fired, Clarke had to go to school were people just pointed the fingers at her and laughed. Then she came home to find her mother passed out or she would just wait for me to call to come pick her mom up.”  
“Abby got so lost in her grief she forgot her daughter was alive. It’s... I love her but not in a romantic way. She’s my friend.” Gina was teary eyed and just taken aback, she didn’t know this about Clarke. She had no idea and now sorry couldn’t cut it. She let her own feelings for Bellamy take the best of her and she’d fucked up. 

There was a knock on the door and Gina was grateful for it. The two detectives in charge of Clarke’s case came by for an update. They had been waiting for Clarke to fully wake up and take her statement. Finn’s face was everywhere and they had received several bogus tips about his whereabouts. 

Bellamy was frustrated, how long was this investigation going to take? Where could he hide for so long. He’d wondered if they were people actually hiding him. “Mr Blake we are doing everything we can to catch this guy.”  
“Really? Where is he then?” “His face is out there, it’s only a matter of time before we.” The officer was interrupted by his phone and went outside to answer.  
“You know, they always go back to them.” Said the other officer looking at Clarke. “I’m sorry what?” Gina said.  
“Cases like this, we get them all the time and the victims usually go back with their assailant.” He stated. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Bellamy was held back by Gina’s hand on his chest, she glanced over to Clarke.  
“Oh I’m not trying to upset you, I mean, I’ve just seen a fair share of cases where the guy comes crawling back and they beg and just like that, they’re forgiven. Statistically spe” He didn’t have a chance to finish his sentence.  
“Get out, now.” Chief Rosewood told him, standing next to her was a seething Raven Reyes and an equally pissed off Anya.  
“How dare you talk that way about my patient?” “Listen doc I’m just.”  
“These women are not statistics, they’re not victims and they’re not for you to judge them. You’re off this case.” The chief stated.  
He chuckled at her. “Doc sorry but you have no authority.” Her smirk spoke louder than words ever could. She pulled out her phone. “Yes I am. You have a Detective Stevenson on the Griffin case?” she spoke into the receiver never taking her eyes off him. “You don’t anymore. He’s off, I would be making a formal complaint. Yes.”  
Detective Johnson stood from his spot on the door shaking his head. The sound of his phone ringing grabbed everyone’s attention. “Yes Sir, I was about to before you called. Just bits and pieces, yes Sir.”

“Stevenson, that was the boss, you’re off the case man. Get your ass back to the station.”  
“Your boss and I go way back detective, but rest assure I’m not pulling any strings here. You’re unprofessional and insulting. You disregarded my patient in front of her family. You know how hard these women have it?” She asked, her tone condescending. “No you don’t, because you’re an idiot. Don’t let me catch you in this hospital unless you need medical attention.”

Detective Johnson looked apologetic and told them to contact him when Clarke woke up or when they had any leads.

Being grateful that Clarke never woke up to hear what the detective had to say, they all returned to their schedules. Days were long and so was her recovery. 

Clarke felt pain every time her eyes opened. She would wake up and find Bellamy reading comics. She woke up once to see Anya and Raven? Was that her name? Updating charts and napping. She later woke up to Raven, yes that was her name, smirking at her. Octavia going over some paperwork and the one she’d never seen before. 

The one with the forrest green eyes. Who was she? Why was she there? Panic rose and the monitor started beeping faster. “Ms Griffin, can you hear me?” Dr Woods asked her, concern evident in her features.  
“You need to calm down okay.” She asked with a calm voice. 

“She’s awake?” Came Octavia’s voice.

“I think she’s starting to come around O, she probably needs a familiar face.” She moved so Octavia could be closer to Clarke. “Well look who is up after that long nap!” Clarke was glad to see her, she had a lot of questions. Lexa gave Octavia a cup of water knowing Clarke would need it.

“Sip it slowly, I’m here ok. Hey Lex could you text Bellamy?” She nodded at the request and stepped out the room.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” She regretted the question knowing it was a stupid one.  
“Like I was hit by a car.” Croaked Clarke. Octavia smiled sadly at her. “Honestly, I wish that was the case you know. I’m not going to ask you a lot now cause the cops do need to talk to you Clarke.” Clarke looked away embarrassed, feeling ashamed of her situation. 

“Why didn’t you come to me? To Bellamy?” She knew now was not the time but she needed to say this.  
“You could’ve died Clarke. He could’ve killed you. If Bellamy hadn’t been to that apartment you would’ve been dead.” Octavia said tearfully. She regretted opening her mouth as soon as she saw Clarke in tears. She took her friend's hand and gave it a squeeze.  
“We’re here now ok? We’re not going anywhere and he will get caught.” She told her friend with conviction.  
Clarke frowned at this. He was out there? He was free? She remembered his words, he told her he would hurt everyone she cared about. She thought back to her mom, she couldn’t lose her too. She couldn’t bury her mother mother. 

The monitors once again went off, she could hear Octavia in the background but she couldn’t make out the words she was saying. The room started spinning, she felt her heart beating wildly, she was sure it was going to pump itself out of her chest. She felt nauseous, Finn was going to kill her mother and here she was lying useless on a hospital bed. 

She started pulling on the wires attached to her arm, she was trying to get up. Octavia was still talking to her, she felt pain but she didn't know where it was coming from, Clarke felt her whole body heavy and on fire. She needed to get to her mom.

“Hey Clarke look at me, look at my eyes.” She heard the voice, she tried to focus but she couldn’t find Octavia’s baby blues, she found herself staring into forest green. She took a breath as she felt her hands being guided to the doctors chest. “Follow my breathing ok. Just like before.” The calm voice told her again. 

She really did tried to focus, she was trying to control her breathing but her mother needed her. This was on her, this wasn’t like that guy that tried to rob her father in the gas station. She led Finn to her mother, she was guilty, she needed to help her. 

“Clarke please look at me.”  
“No I can’t, he’ll kill her, he told me so.” Lexa frowned at the information and looked at Clarke. Once again, her voice more commanding but still low.  
“Clarke, she’s being watched, she has help. Look at me before you pass out. You can’t help her like this okay?” Lexa’s plea fell on deaf ears as Clarke pushed her and tried to get up.

She had fucked up again. She'd managed to ruin everything again. She could taste the blood on her mouth again, the cold floor beneath her. She tried to get up but she felt as if her whole body exploded. “Stop please, please Finn stop.” She heard herself yelling as soft hands tried to lift her up. She awaited the punches and kicks to her body but they never came. She found emerald orbs looking at her as she was being lifted. “O, let the officer know everything is good.” 

“You’re okay. Look at me, it’s okay.” She was trying but couldn’t focus. “I’m laying you back down on the bed and I need to check you. I’m going to open your gown Clarke.” She felt her back gently laid back on the mattress, she could hear the door being shut. She closed her eyes to steady herself.  
“It won’t take long, are you with me?” She opened her eyes at this. She was crying, she could feel the tears stream down her face. Was it because of the pain? She was at a lost, her emotions scattered all over the place. 

She heard Octavia gasp, she felt raw and embarrassed. Her arms moved by themselves trying to covered her body up. “Octavia go find Anya or Raven. I got her.” Lexa looked at her friend. Octavia was crying and Clarke had heard her. This is the reason you’re not allowed to work on your family she thought. She thought about being in Octavia’s position, if this was Anya. Lexa pulled those emotions back, this was Anya and she wasn’t Octavia. Clarke was hurt and she needed to breathe before she passed out. “O? I need you to find Anya, please?”

Octavia made her way out the room, Lexa turned back to Clarke. “Okay once more, follow my breathing okay? I need you to breathe okay?” Clarke looked at Lexa and gave her what it looked like a nod. Lexa breathed in and out steadily, making sure Clarke was able to follow. She couldn’t assess her properly, she needed to pull her out of this panic attack. From the looks of it, Clarke was going to need a CT to make sure she was ok internally. 

“Clarke you’re safe here and so it’s your mom. Bellamy made sure to relay the info down to DC. She’s in good hands, we’re not letting anyone hurt you or her.” Comfort was the easiest way to try and help with the panic attack. Reassurance. “You’re safe, there’s an officer outside and all of us are here with you. You’re never alone Clarke.”

Bellamy had called DC? Kane she thought with relief. Clarke started to feel her panic going away. She could breath better, she felt a weight being lifted off her chest. Her mom was taken care of. 

“Thank You.” She managed to whisper those words to the doctor in front of her. She wasn’t alone. “Feeling better?” Lexa asked. She nodded. “Good. I need to clean your face ok. I’m just going to grab some gauze.” Lexa got up and retrieved the supplies she needed to clean the blood on Clarke's face. “You took a bad fall here. You can’t get out of bed like that. You’re just starting to recover.” 

Clarke looked bashful and ashamed, these doctors were spending all these supplies on her and she was wasting them. She didn't deserve this attention. She did this to herself. “Hey where did you go just now? Stay with me ok?” Lexa spoke to her, the monitor once again beeping fast.

“Bellamy is going to be happy you’re awake.” Lexa said tentatively. “You’ll know he’s here, the smell of fries and burgers always gives him away.” She told her smiling.  
“You summoned me?” Raven asked walking through the door. Both Clarke and Lexa frowned knowing she had asked for Anya.  
“You’re not my sister.” 

“Well she got paged and I’m funnier than you three put together. Also smart as fuck.” She said looking at Clarke. “You’re awake! Good.”  
Lexa’s beeper cut through before Raven could continue. “Go on, I got her. My company is better than yours anyways. Ain’t that right Clarke?” She managed to smile at the antics of Raven. She was funny. If she hadn’t been so stupid, she would’ve realized this sooner. 

“I’ll see you later.” Lexa waved at her. “Play nice Raven.” They watched as Lexa walked out the door. Raven walked over to the place Lexa had occupied before. She’d resume on the task. The room fell silent, Raven continued to clean Clarke, she grabbed a kit to put in a new IV line.

“I’ll get you a clean gown after we come back from CT.” She pulled the chair closer to Clarke’s bed and sat. She looked at Clarke, taking in her features, her face was still swollen but those ocean blue eyes were mesmerizing. “You want some music?” The question took Clarke by surprised, she had felt the older girl’s scrutinizing gaze on her. What kind of question was this? “Um, yes?” She said questioningly. “Good. I have my Ipod here, I’ll bring it by later. Shit about to get boring. Recovery is a bitch.”  
“How bad is it?” 

Clarke had no idea how long she had been laying in this hospital ior the extent of her injuries. She felt like death but drifting in and out of consciousness hadn’t allowed her to fully let herself feel.  
“Broken hand, ribs, concussions. That’s why breathing is a little hard and you might feel like you have an elephant sitting on you.” Raven chuckled at her own joke. “It’s bad, I’m not gonna lie. It’s gonna take a minute for you to get better. Bones heal, bruises fade away but ultimately it’s on you and how bad you wanna live. Don’t let this douche take the will away from you.” She said seriously, looking into blue orbs. “I don’t know you, we didn’t have a chance to become friends but you have my support, our support.”

“I’m not gonna ask questions you don’t have the answers for, nor am I gonna try and pry shit out of you. I’m here, I don’t want anything from you except a friendship.” Raven looked away, this conversation was too personal. Clarke didn’t know her, they weren't friends but she had been through her own hell.

“Why?”  
“Why am I helping you? Why do I wanna be your friend? Why not? Life’s not easy Clarke. One minute you’re at a soccer game with friends, the next you find out you’re mom’s sucking some stranger’s dick to get a fix. I’m not like them, they had loving parents and means. I had a whore mom and photographic memory.”

Raven sat up straight leaning her face on her hand. “Shit happens and then you die, but don’t let this asshole control your life now. The reason you stayed with him for so long it’s for you to know. I’m not here to question or guilt trip you and neither are them but just so you know, I don't need to have this bond with you from years back. He took the opportunity once, not again.”

“He fucking stabbed you. We had to remove your spleen, your upper quadrant was bad Clarke and then he left you to die.”

Clarke mulled Raven’s words, her offer to become friends. She wasn’t asking questions, she was simply offering one of the many things she wanted. Why couldn’t she take it though? She could hear him in her head. She wasn’t worthy of anyone's friendship, everything she touched turned to shit and Raven had obviously worked hard to get to where she was. She was going to ruin that and she couldn’t allow that.

“Hey?” She looked at Raven who had now leaned closer to her. “I know you feel like he still controlling you, but he’s not. He’s going to get caught and put away soon.” Clarke looked at Raven, she had conviction but he was still out there. “Like I said recovery is a bitch and not only the physical part but the emotional part too. We don’t have to be BFF’s and braid each other's hair. All I’m saying is that I’m here if you need anything. No questions, no demands.” Raven frowned at this.

“I’ve been hanging out at that damn 80’s place for too long, I’m pretty sure those are the lyrics to a song.” She said frowning. He phoned buzzed. “Look’s like it’s time to get that CT. Ready?”

 

Bellamy made his way to the hospital once he’d heard about Clarke. His conversation with GIna was cut short, but they’ll get back to it once he’d seen Clarke. Hands deep in his pockets he made his way down the corridor to the last room on the floor. Giving a brief nod to the officer he knocked on the door as he opened it. 

Clarke was laying on the bed, head turned to the side, eyes closed and she mumbled the lyrics to whatever song she was listening to. For the first time since the whole incident, Bellamy smiled, he felt relieved. He’d found her beaten up and covered in blood, stabbed. No, he wasn’t going back to that day. Clarke was here, she was alive and healing. He didn’t notice Clarke opening her eyes and looking at him. 

“Did you bring me a burger or do I have to ask Gina?” She teased him. Octavia had babbled about how blind her brother was for not seeing the big crush GIna had on him. He smiled back at her. “Didn’t know you wanted one.” He neared her bed somewhat frightened of her reaction. He was being cautious, he had being warned about the panic attacks and how vulnerable Clarke would be around male presence, even if it was his.

“You’re supposed to be my wingman, not Octavia’s you know.” 

“Well she brings me food, you on the other hand.” She teased him. He smiled looking at her, her eye was still swollen, her right hand in a cast, her neck was also bruised. “I want to hug you but i don’t wanna hurt you so pound it!” 

“Sit Bel.” She patted a spot on the bed. She grabbed his hand and gave it and encouraging squeeze. “Thank you, for saving my life. Sorry for not asking for help.” 

“Clarke, if anything I failed you.” She frowned at his comment. 

“Bellamy you didn’t, this is on me. I was the one that...” She closed her eyes, she couldn’t word it. She was still trying to understand the fact that she didn’t deserve what Finn did to her. It didn’t matter how many times she’d heard it. The guilt was eating her alive, she had managed to hurt the few people that cared for her and those who cared for them. 

“Clarke you didn’t, this is not on you.” Clarke couldn’t be blaming herself for this, this was all on Finn. 

“I kept this from everyone and still ended up hurting you, hurting my mom, everyone around me. I think it’s best if you leave, for good. Octavia too. I had been thinking about this for a while and I think it’s better if I’m alone. Finn is still out there and the last thing I need it’s him hurting you guys.”

“Clarke, you pushed me away once and I found you bleeding, stabbed and almost dead.” He said getting up. He needed to control himself but she was being ridiculous. “I’m not letting you do this by yourself.” 

“It’s not like you have a choice Bellamy.” She raised her voice and winced when she tried to sit up. “This are the consequences to MY actions. I’m the one that put everyone on danger, I can’t ;lose you too.” The thought about losing her friend because of something she had done wasn’t something she was about to do. Finn wanted her and she’ll be damned if she was going to let him hurt her friends, her family.

Bellamy was angry at the hold Finn still had on her. Even after he had fled, he still managed to make Clarke blame herself, he still managed to have her pushed them away. He was going to kill him. 

“You don’t know what he’s capable of Bellamy, I do. I’m living proof of it.” 

“Because you didn't let me help, you didn't let anyone help.” “Because I didn't want to burden anyone. You offered me help and I ended up with guy that almost killed me and promised he would kill everyone I loved.” 

Before Bellamy could reply, the sound of the monitors started making a weird noise, that wasn’t good. That much he knew. “Clarke calm down ok? We’ll figure something out, we always do.” 

“No. You can’t fix this, nobody can.”

“What’s going on here?” Octavia asked looking at her brother and then at Clarke. “Clarke, listen, you need to calm down.” 

“GET. OUT.” Octavia was confused. She’d tried to reach for Clarke’s hand but she yanked away. “I don’t want either one of you close to me.” 

“Clarke, what’s going on? Why are you being like this? Bellamy what did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything, it’s Finn. It will always be Finn and I’m going to kill him.” Bellamy’s response caught both of them off guard. “You need to understand that Clarke.” 

Clarke’s heart rate spiked up, the monitor beeping like crazy. Octavia reached for the oxygen mask and placed it on her. “While I’m pretty sure you both make excellent points at whatever it is you’re arguing, you’re both too fucking stubborn. Clarke calm down before you pass out again or fall off the bed.” She directed her look at her brother.

“You need to shut up and understand where she’s coming from. Whatever your argument is, I’m pretty sure you are both wrong and by the little I caught when I walked in here, Clarke, Finn is a douche, he’s a weak little man that managed to prey on you. That doesn’t make you guilty, you just trusted the wrong person.” 

Octavia smiled alternating looks between her brother and friend. “Ha Ha, see, I’m always right. You both need to calm down and talk about this later on. Right now it’s about recovery and making sure you leave this hospital soon Clarke!”

Bellamy walked towards the bed again looking apologetic but stern. “I’m sorry Clarke.” He said looking for her hand again. “I’m trying to understand where you’re coming from, but you need to see where I’m coming from. We’re family and I’m not leaving your side. We’ll figure something out, we always do.”

All she could do was squeeze his hand and nod. She knew she needed the support but Finn kept his promises, that she knew, the bruises on her body were all the proof she needed. They could only watch her now that she was in the hospital, sooner or later she’ll be released and she’ll path her own way from there, for now, she’ll calm them down before she could make a break for it.. 

“Awww, Gina got you feeling all sensitive and shit.” Raven said from the door. “O, Lincoln is looking for you, he brought food.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “Shut up Reyes.” Octavia was blushing.  
“You and Lincoln?” Clarke raised the oxygen mask to say. “Oh Clarke, let me catch you up on the Blake’s gossip. You see.” “Shut up.”  
Both Blake’s said at once making Clarke smile. “I’m going to see about that burger. I’ll be back in abit. Is that ok?” Bellamy asked her. “Chocolate shake?” Clarke asked her friend. “I think that can be arranged. O, I’ll walk you out.” he said.

“Raven, don’t make shit up.” Octavia said. “Shhh O, go see your man. Bellamy this would be a great time to give ‘the talk’ you know.” Raven said cheekily. Once the door was closed Raven took seat near Clarke’s bed. “Wanna tell me why you’re wearing that oxygen mask?” Silence. “I’ll take that as a ‘not ready’ there’s really not a ‘no’ with me you know.” 

Clarke placed the earbuds back on and letting the music fill her mind. She had so many different feelings swirling inside her, she wished she had a canvas to paint. She felt full, like a damn that was on the brink of crumbling. She was afraid of all the feelings she had and maybe if she could paint some of them, she would feel less on edge. Truth was, she didn’t want to lose her friends, she wanted them with her, she needed them with her. Finn had been firm on what he was going to do next, to them. Staying away was the only way she could prevent this right? Or maybe this is what Finn wanted her to think? He thought she was dead, that he’d killed her or did he leave her alive to make her suffer. “You think too loud. Wanna share Ms Griffin?” She’d heard Raven’s voice over the soft melodies of Vitamin String Quartet. She looked at Raven questionly, maybe talking to a stranger that didn’t know that much about her would understand? An impartial unbiased opinion could understand where she was coming from right?

“You know, you went through a very shitty situation, you know we have people, professionals you can talk to here?” 

“Did you?” “Did I what exactly?” “Did you ever talked to someone about, you know, the thing with your mom?”

Raven moved closer to her. “Actually, I started doing others people's homework for a fee. I applied to a shit ton of colleges and did some telemarketing, then I submerged myself in my studies. I kicked ass and I’m now Chief Resident!” She said smiling to Clarke. “My situation and yours are not the same, plus I’m in Ortho, which allows me to break bones and I get some joy out of that.”

Clarke traced her fingers over cast, it was so plain, she needed to add some color to it. “Clarke people don’t get ok from one day to the next. It’s more complex than that. Seriously, your thoughts are making my head go boom! Lemme at least get you an appointment so you can talk to someone?” 

“Can it be, not today?” She asked hopefully. 

Raven smiled. “Of course, the sooner the better crap doesn’t really work. You set the pace on this, remember that. Nobody controls you but you.” 

If only she would understand that. It was like her mind was appart, a different organ. She knew she was somehow free but it was a concept hard to grasp. She was pulled out her thoughts by Raven’s pager going off. “Well, that’s all folks. I gotta go, bones to brake and relocate.” She winked at Clarke. “I’ll stop by before leaving, do you need anything?” Clarke smiled and shook her head. There was nothing anyone could get her. Not the things she wanted anyways.

She dozed off listening to the soft sounds coming from the Ipod, she was grateful for that. In all this uncertainty, she could at least have music and escape. An easel would be so much better though, maybe even a crayon. 

She woke up to the smell of food, not the hospital crap but actual food. She opened her eyes slowly, the lights were bright, too bright.

She could make out the sounds of chatter, some voices she’d recognized, some, she thought she’d dreamed about. “Well look who decided to join us.” Octavia said smiling. Was she eating her food? She recognized the bag, it was from Bellamy’s bar. Her mouth watered at the thought of the burger he’d promised.  
Octavia noticed Clarke staring. “Clarke I don’t believe you’ve officially met Lexa. Or dr Woods, she’s Anya’s sister.” Lexa smiled at her. “It’s nice to finally meet you Ms Griffin.” She said politely and formal, way too formal for Octavia. She snorted “Ms Griffin? Seriously?” Lexa looked puzzled and embarrassed at Octavia’s words. “Well I didn’t meet her before.” “Should I start calling you Alexandria while I’m at it? Anyways, Clarke, Lexa. Lexa, Clarke.” 

Octavia made the introduction as she pulled the table over Clarke and set her food. “Bellamy sent this, the bar was crowded but he’ll be by tomorrow.” 

“Thanks, I’m actually starving, I feel like I haven’t eaten in forever.” Clarke said. 

“That’s probably because you haven’t.” Octavia reached to change the bed to a slight sitting position. “You have be careful ok, don’t move too much.” She smelled the burger and curly fries, she couldn’t wait to eat. “And I believe someone asked for a chocolate shake, which looks like chocolate milk.” 

Clarke was grateful for the food. Octavia and Lexa were discussing a patient while she ate. She remember her mom coming home and talking about some of her patients. Smiling at the memory she took another fry. Her mom had some good stories, every now and then she’ll come home sad because of patient she lost or someone she couldn’t save, but her dad was quick to try and make her smile. God she’d miss them both so much. 

“-So the dude was like ribbit ribbit in his pants!” She frowned at the comment, what frog? What did she missed? Lexa noticing asked Octavia to retell the story to her about the drunk guy with lousy pick up lines that had come in a few nights before. She caught herself looking at Lexa, the dr that had talked to her and pulled her from her panic attacks. She was supposed to come by the bar, but never showed up. She could see why her and Octavia were good friends. Lexa had been extremely gentle with her. Being cold wasn’t always good in medicine her mom told her once. Being able to synch with a patient and be compassionate, wasn’t a bad thing. Caring made the job easier, it reminded her that they were human, they felt. Abby always took that extra step with her patients, she believed that connecting with the patient would bring a better outcome than just being a block of ice in scrubs.

“I’ll be back in a minute, have to check on this.” Octavia said to her. 

“How are you feeling?” Lexa asked breaking the awkward silence.

“Like I’ve been stabbed.” She said nervously. Lexa could only nod, she didn’t know what to say. “It’s the medicine at least helping with the pain?”  
“You mean knocking me unconscious enough to forget for a while?” Lexa chuckled at the answer, that was exactly what the painkillers did anyways. “Do you need anything?”

To Lexa it had been a simple question, to Clarke it was double edge sword. It was loaded and it made her feel uneasy. Thankfully Lexa’s pager went off, she stood up and waved back to Clarke with the promise Octavia would be back soon. 

She was grateful for the time alone, since she regained consciousness, she’s as if she hasn’t had a minute for herself. Being kept from her friends for so long made her feel awkward and inadequate. Finn’s words were still pounding on her head, she could hear him so clearly. She knew she had to go, she couldn’t risk the few people she cared for being hurt or murder. 

She was bitter, angry and upset with herself. She messed up, if her parents could see her now. No, she was disgusting, she didn't deserve to be alive, she had managed to ruin her life, her dad deserved to live, not her. What had she done? She threw her life away carelessly. She wished Finn killed her. She closed her eyes hating herself for being alive. “You’re worthless, useless.” She could hear him so close. “You’re pathetic. You think this is art?” She remembered how he took her sketchbook in a drunken haze a tore it apart. “You’re nothing, you can’t even get your mom to love you. Fuck your dad is probably glad in heel for not having to deal with you.” 

She could feel the slap resonating across her face. She could feel his hands on her neck, squeezing tight. She remembered him on top of her, his sweat, drunken breath, cursing at her, slicing through her. Hard. Relentless. She drifted back to those feelings, laying on the shower, tiles cold, soaked in water, soaked in his semen, in her blood.

“You see Clarke, I’m a man of my word.” He was standing next to her mother. They lied, deceived her. “Didn’t I told you I would get to her?” He said, that frivolous smile on his face. She tried to get up, she couldn’t. “Whoa there.” He said laughing. “You fine right where you are, just lay back and enjoy the show.” Clarke heard her mother's plea, her cries for help. “Tsk Tsk Dr Griffin, play nice, give your daughter a good performance.” Pulling out a knife Finn tore Abby’s clothes, touching her as he removed the pieces of clothes. He leaned down to kiss her smiling at Clarke. “No” Clarke heard herself scream at the top of lungs. She fought with whatever barrier kept her from getting to her mother. Before she knew it Abby was dead, crimson blood dripping from the bed. Finn was standing right in front of her, cupping her cheeks. “Didn’t I tell you what I would do to her?” He drove the knife deep into her. She screamed.

“Restrain her.” The Chief’s voice was commanding. The shifts were changing and she was being updated. Anya moved to restrain Clarke from further injuries. She was thrashing and turning on the bed, screaming, sobbing. Nurses were walking in to assist. Clarke made no sense but they all knew what was happening to her.

Her body was tired, she was in fear and pain, whatever she was dreaming about had a deep pull on her. “Pressure rising.” Clarke’s body and mind were under a lot of stress, her body was barely starting to recover. 

Raven stood outside watching this scene play out in front of her. How can someone cause all this pain and anguish? He was still torturing her, making her suffer for no reason, she felt the heat. She was glad she was the one staying today. Octavia wouldn’t have been able to take this. She saw her girlfriend struggle and her girlfriend never struggled. Anya was precise, ice cold when she had task to complete, when she needed to do her job. 

NObody should be this alone. “Come on babe you’ve got this” she muttered.  
“She needs to be under supervision 24/7 and moved to psych as soon as she’s out of ICU.” The 

Chief was loud and clear. She grazed Anya’s knuckles as they passed by, she had to brief the chief still. She walked in on the nurses trying to clean whatever they could. Raven casted a glance at the heavens as she noticed the change of linens. They needed to find Finn before they did. Clarke had been sedated again, this wasn’t good, she was stuck and she didn’t trust them enough to confide in them, to ask for help.

She took the clean gown and told the nurses she’ll take it from here. She grabbed the IPod and carefully placed it back in Clarke’s ears, maybe this could help. She looked at the song, it was on repeat, ‘Out of the Dark’ by Matt Hires. Clarke was asking for help she just didn’t know how to voice it, she didn’t know how to ask. 

The hallway was deserted except for the nurses station., they came in every now and then checking on Clarke. She covered her girlfriend, Anya had brought her coffee and had crashed next to her. She was working on a strategy to help Clarke. This girl needed to right words or she was going to push herself farther away. She also needed to explain to Bellamy why his friend was tied to the bed. 

The smell of coffee pulled her out of her elaborate planning. Lexa walked in with three coffees in hand. “I thought she was getting better.” She asked frowning looking at Clarke.

“Why are you here?”

“Anya texted me, told me what happened. Are you okay?”  
“I’m fine, it’s just complicated, it’s like… I think my broken bones analogy is...insensitive? Anyways I don’t know, I..., it was scary you know. How can someone take the time to break someone down and reduce them to this?” 

Lexa took a sip of her coffee not even been able to rationalize someone going out of their way to torment someone to this extent. They weren’t brought up like this. Their parents were absent but not dead, not submerged in a pain this deep. She had seen cases in the ER and the free clinic yes but she was never this involved. She had no idea how she became this involved, she didn’t even know the girl. 

Octavia didn’t even know her this well but she accepted her, because Bellamy did. Raven didn’t know her and she had her thinking face on. She knew her backstory yes but it wasn’t remotely close to this, the situation in front of them was entirely different and uncharted territory.

“They’re moving her to psych once she’s out the woods, no pun intended.”  
“Anya said this resembled a warzone, they didn’t know her how to pull her out.”  
“I saw it and it was suffocating to say the least. I couldn’t think for a second, your sister was shaking she was so nervous. She needs help.”

“The last person she let close did this to her. She’s not really going to accept a bunch of strangers just giving her help and caring. She tried to leave to get to her mom the other day.”

“Isn’t that good though?”  
“What is? Risking her health? To aggravate her injuries?’  
“No. That’s not… I mean her ability to still care enough even after everything she’s been through?” Lexa looked at Raven.  
“We need to work something out. And the damn cops need to find this fucker.”  
“Do you think her waking up being tied up and in pain is not going to trigger her? How can we even think about doing something when she’s going to wake up tied up? Who knows what she’s being through. She’s strong and resilient but we can’t help her here, not like this.” Lexa motioned to the restrains.

“ I don’t think we’re giving her enough credit though. She made a mistake but from what I gathered, the guy had used the people close to her as leverage. She was trying to protect her people.”

“You both know that if I can hear you she might hear you too.” They both looked at Anya.  
“I think you both are right to some extent but Lexa’s right on this one. If she did all this to protect her family, she’s a lot stronger than we think.”

“We need to figure something out, like the restrains. Lexa had a point we don’t know the extent of her history with what’s his face, she’s gonna freak out and not trust us.” Came Raven’s thoughts.

“So we figure a schedule around her. Make sure one of us is here when she wakes up and just calm her down.”

All three of them agreed on this talked it out with Octavia, who agreed immediately. Bellamy was kept updated of the whole situation. What they had predicted had happened. Clarke woke up screaming and scared. They talked her through the whole thing. She started therapy, the chief ordered someone come down to ICU until Clarke was completely out of danger. 

Physical therapy was about to start as well. There was a slight change in the dynamics and Clarke noticed. She was never alone, Octavia and her fellow doctors were always in her room. They didn’t talk to her unless she initiated the talk, they kept checking her vitals every now and then. Almost every time she had one of those night terrors or a panic attack, someone had managed to help, someone was there soothing her and trying to calm her.

She didn’t deserve this attention, she would sometimes see them napping or eating, they were so close. The only friend she had like this betrayed her and casted her aside, Bellamy had always been there for her, even after Finn. Octavia and her friends supported her and they didn’t even know her.

Raven had managed to get Clarke to talk to Kane and ask about her mom. He’d kept sending pics of her mother’s progress and told her to focus on her own recovery. After talking to a stranger about her feelings and him, who shall not be named, she still didn’t feel better. She got wind of her chart and knew she was going to be cleared soon, that was enough time to plan something and get away. 

She’s thought about reuniting with her mom but right now, that was out of the question, not until he was caught. Officers had taken her statement and issued out a warrant for his arrest. As good as that sounded, that wasn’t enough, he always managed to kill them in her dreams. She could feel their pain, how they blamed her for linking them to this animal. The anguish in her head got louder and the guilt and shame were a constant torment. 

“- some sweats cuz it’s cold.” She looked puzzled at Octavia, not being able to focus on what she was telling her.  
“You didn’t listened did you?” Clarke shook her head. “You’re getting out soon, hopefully and you can’t really leave in a hospital gown, it’s too cold.”

“I like the cold.”

“Yeah but it’s like Antarctica degrees outside you can’t really leave like this.” She motioned to the gown again. “You’re staying with us.”

“What?” Clarke frowned at her statement.

“Well not with me and Lexa, you’re staying with Raven, she has an extra room.” 

“No I’m not.”

“You’ll still need help and it would be kind of the same we have here. You know she stays a floor above us?” 

“I’m not staying with anyone. I can’t ask that and you guys have done enough. I’m not going to stay with anyone and in all honestly, I don’t even want to stay in New York anymore and stop making decisions for me. I'm capable of taking care of myself.”

To say Octavia was shocked was an understatement, she expected a little resistance but this was different. They knew Clarke might be opposed but she looked stern and firm on her statement. She need to be careful on approaching the subject, find a common ground and get Clarke to dictate the terms of it without having a panic attack.

“I’m not a charity case and you own my mother nothing, she was doing her job.”  
“I’m not doing that. You’re not a charity case and I know what your mom did Clarke, shit even your dad.”  
“We’re not friends Octavia, I was friends with Bellamy and you only liked me because you felt pity or sorry for me.”

Fuck, this was so not the way she had hoped it went. Clarke was making no sense but at least she was pointing out her issues with the idea. Why would she said they weren’t though? Yeah she had just met the girl not too long ago but she Thoughty they were friends, more than acquaintances. 

“We might not be bff’s you’re right but telling me we’re not friends kinda hurts my feelings.” She said trying to lighten the mood and steer away from the minefield ahead.

“It’s not pity either, I owe you nothing actually. I’m just grateful my brother had you and yes, I do think this whole situation is fucked up but I just want you, we, don’t want you to go through this alone.”  
Clarke looked determined and even though she didn’t mean to hurt Octavia, she knew this was the right thing to do.

“I’m offering the help you’re not going to ask for. I know…” Octavia took a breath and kept Clarke’s stare. “Ok I don’t know but I just want you to know that we can help you feel safe and get better. Saving lives is what we do as doctors, but I believe we’re way past that now.”

“I just, I can’t accept your offer. I need to go, Get away.”  
“Okay but why? Why do you have to go away? Why can’t you allow us to help?”

His threats resonated in her head, she could hear him so close, like he was standing right there. 

“You’re afraid.” It was a statement, a fact. “You’re afraid he’s going to hurt Bellamy or me. You think he’s going to come after us.”

“Yes, he said he loved me and look what he did to me, what he reduced me to. I can’t comprehend or even fathom the idea of what he could do to any of you. You think he’s not going to hurt everyone around me?” Clarke took a breath.  
“Even if I did accepted the offer I have nothing to give back. I have no job no money, I’m not a freeloader and before you say anything, I’m pretty sure your brother was paying a lot more than he should.”

“Well, you can always paint.” Octavia said smiling. “I love that portrait you did of me and Bel, it was better than the picture actually.” 

“You know it doesn’t work that way.” She deflated, she was tired, her body was exhausted and her mind was working overtime.  
“Whoa girlie, I might take offence and think you actually don’t like my presence.” Came Raven’s voice as she closed the door.They had been so caught up in the discussion, they didn’t notice her coming in.

“Clarke, so you’re afraid he might hurt us and you want to leave. I get that but how can you leave when you can’t dress yourself yet? Where are you gonna go?” Raven made a point on something she hadn’t really figured out. How was she even going to get away when she had no money?

“We have a doorman and we can help you, we’re doctors, it’s what we do and Bellamy can always bring the food.” Clarke mulled over the words.  
“Listen, your mom is doing better, you’ve seen that yourself. Yeah he might think you’re staying Bellamy but you won't be. I mean the last person he expects you’ll stay with is me.”

“Say I agree to this, how do we know he’s not lurking outside the hospital? How do I go out without him noticing? I can’t risk that, I won't.”  
“We can get a wig or dress you out like a dude. Listen the our boss is friends with the Chief of Police, they can always do something to throw him off. Just think it over and give it a shot.”

Clarke looked at both of them, they were just as stubborn on the subject as she was. Maybe she could stay with them until she got better. Maybe this time she should take the help they were offering. 

“I’ll think about it.That’s all I can do right now. I feel as my life is already ruined and yours don’t have to be.”  
“We’ll take that answer. Fist bump on it.” Raven extended her arm offering Clarke her fist before blowing it up. She had about two weeks to work on the pros and cons of staying with them. Thinking what they were risking, what she was risking. 

Clarke woke up, she blinked several times, trying to adjust her eyes. The beeping of the monitor was bothering her, a lot. She tried to move but the table that usually had her food kept her from adjusting. She focused and noticed a blank piece of paper and a pencil along with a cup of coffee.  
Once she looked around she saw Lexa quietly writing, she was probably charting. Lexa gave her a small smile and went back to her work.  
She had missed this so much, she eagerly took the pencil and mover the paper closer to her. The coffee was exquisite, so pure, she had forgotten how good it felt to draw, it was like a release almost therapeutic. She glanced up noticing Lexa’s eyes on her, she managed to give her a smile. It had been so long since she smiled a real smile. This small gesture allowed her to breathe again. She handed the drawing to the doctor who looked puzzled.

Lexa took the piece of paper with care, she looked it over and looked back at Clarke. “Really?”  
“Why not take a chance on it, you all seem to have made the choice for me already.”

“Well Raven apparently doesn’t know the word ‘No’. What really made you change your mind?”  
“This is what I want to do. Drawing, painting, art, they’re just elements that allow me to be free. It’s always reminded me of my dad, he always encouraged me to do what I felt was right. He was a follow your heart kinda of guy and I miss him.”

Clarke caught herself and blushed out of embarrassment. Lexa had already went out her way to get her the pencil and coffee, the last thing she could do was spare her of the life story. The memories of her dad, why did she even bring it up? 

Lexa felt Clarke tense up, she saw how she had blushed, spreading to her ears and on her chest, she tried to avoid the awkward situation for Clarke.

“So I should send a text to everyone, so we can plan this out.” Lexa smiled at her. “This is beautiful by the way, you’re very talented.” 

She said as she held the piece of paper. It was a cartoonish drawing of them together, above it read the words “Misfits’. They were all wearing leather jackets, Bellamy had a burger on his hands, her along with her sister and friends we wearing scrubs. Anya was holding a scalpel, Raven a bomb, Octavia had what it looked like a sword shape huge scalpel. Lexa was wearing her reading glasses and had a charts on her hands. Across from there stood Clarke chained to an easel that read ‘Will paint for shelter’.

“Can I keep this?” Clarke nodded, relieved Lexa had changed the subject. She nodded and went back to sipping her coffee. They were right, she couldn’t do this alone and if he was going to come after them, she should be here to stop him, she will stop him. 

She had nowhere to go and they seemed to have work out the strategy down to the T. Doctors she thought, they were so meticulous. Working out the therapy was a little tricky. Anya piped up stating that Clarke’s shrink had already agreed to work a schedule out to make house calls and offer the therapy where Clarke was staying. Anya looked at Raven and winked which made her smile. Raven knew from that wink she had probably offered to pay him in order for him to accept. She needed to kiss her once they were done, her girlfriend was amazing.

While Clarke did feel a little overwhelmed at everything, she did her best to shut the voices and ignore all the flags raising. She had a second chance, after the drawing, she noticed how her new found friends reminded her of her dad in so many different ways. She knew deep down that her parents would have offered to help if they encounter someone in her position. That’s how they had raised her, they’d molded her to become a better human and better person, to make a difference in whatever way she could.

She had a new opportunity, to start fresh and start right this time. Her mom was doing so much better and even if he did showed up, she was going to stop him this time, from hurting them, from hurting her. The support and offered friendship made her remember who she was, the flame had been lit again. She felt empowered, loved, safe even. 

Clarke had made a lot of mistakes but this time, this all felt right. She caught Lexa staring at her, her green eyes reflected concern. She shot her a small smile and a nod that seemed to relax her, she directed her eyes again towards Indra and Gustus. Maybe this time around it would work out, maybe he was going to get caught but she wasn’t going to sit down and be useless, she was going to give him a fight.


	4. Try Try Try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not as long as I would've of liked but it's being hectic and crazy! Enjoy and review!

The cops had managed to successfully move Clarke to Ravens apartment. On her part, she installed a new security system on hers, Anya’s and the other girls apartment. She added a new line to her plan so Clarke could have her own phone and purchased some groceries.

She was praying Clarke would understand this was important. She wanted to be safe, so she was going to do everything on her power to help her. Grumpy Clarke was hilarious and endearing. She complained about her spending so much money, to which she paid zero to no attention at all, her apartment was filled with the smell of a home cooked meal the Woods sisters were preparing. 

“Are you even listening to me?”  
“If I say yes would you let it go?” She turned her face to look at Clarke.  
“I’m sorry I’m being so difficult, I promise I don’t do it on purpose.” Raven frowned noticing unshed tears in Clarke’s eyes. She tried to apologize but Clarke just wheeled herself back to the room she had being offered.

“Clarke?” Anya looked at her girlfriend. “What the fuck did you say to her?”  
Raven had the decency to look apologetic.  
Lexa fixed two plates and grabbed two bottles of water leaving her sister to deal with her annoying girlfriend. 

She knocked on her door, no answer, she frowned setting the bottles to open the door. “Clarke?” She made her way in to find her crying. She gave her a napkin and just gave her the plate of food and water, she made herself comfortable on the blonde’s bed. They ate in silence, Lexa knew she couldn’t push, so she ate. 

“Thank you.” Lexa could have missed it it was barely above a whisper. “No problem. Is it good at least?”  
“It actually is. How do you manage to cook and be a doctor, I mean, I’m pretty sure you were always in the hospital when I was there.”  
At this Lexa chuckled. “Well in all honestly, your room was like social hour!” 

“So are you moving the party here?” Lexa leaned her head back and laughed. “I’m pretty sure you would kick us out, the drugs were probably the only reason you could stand us all together.” She said smiling.

“So want to tell me what happened?” Clarke looked as if she was debating having this conversation. “You don’t have to answer, I just want you to know I’m here if you wanna talk.”

“You’ve done enough, I think that’s what the shrink is for and I’m already imposing.”  
“You’re not, we’re actually glad you’re here, you give us a reason to cook.” She replied.  
“How’s that?” “Well we spend most of our time in the hospital, so when we come home is to sleep and shower. Mostly shower.”

“I thought you said you spent a lot of time together in the hospital?” Clarke asked confused.  
“Well yes, but it’s mostly because because our shifts are always colliding so we try to spend time together in the hospital. You being here give us a reason to be home more often.”  
“Because I’m a burden and I feel like a pregnant woman crying and being mad and afraid.” She looked pointedly at Lexa and a new wave of fresh tears made their way down her cheeks.

“Hey.” Lexa leaned forward using the pad of thumb to clear her tears away. “That’s not I meant. What I was trying to say was that you being around gives us a reason to come home.” She reached for her water and handled it to the blonde. “I like having you around, we all do. Your presence is refreshing.”

“You don’t have to lie because I’m pathetic.” Lexa knew there was no reasoning with Clarke at this moment. She was still fresh out of her incident and she knew emotionally she was scattered all over the place. “You did promise drawings for food though.” She said trying to enlighten the mood. “I...um. We still have to work and I’m pretty sure you're going to go crazy being alone sometimes.” She looked sheepishly green meeting blue. She made her way out the room and came back with a brown bag.

 

“The phone is really a necessity and Raven got herself a brand new phone out of it and yours came free. The security system.” She hesitated a bit trying to find the right words. “The security system, you said you wanted us to be safe, so it’s a precaution, plus it comes with this app and it’s really good. It will keep you safe too.” She handed the bag over to Clarke, the blonde gasped when she saw the contents inside it.  
“Lexa, this is too much. I can’t take this.” She said as she saw all the art supplies inside. They were expensive, the kind she couldn’t afford.  
“Look at this as an investment on my part.” Clarke looked confused. “When you become a famous artist I want you to draw a mural for me.” She winked at her.  
“It’s really too much, I could have done that with the cheap ones.” “like I said, it’s an investment.” 

Clarke was in awe at the gesture. Lexa remembered how Clarke’s eyes had lit up at the hospital when she gave her paper and pencil. 

 

A soft knock pulled her out of the memory. “Can I come in? Please?” Clarke nodded and Raven walked in. “You don’t need to knock, it’s your house.”  
“Ours. Our house. I’m sorry for what I did and said back there.” She motioned to the living room. “It’s ok, you don’t have to apologize to me.”  
“I do, it was…”  
“You were an asshole.” Lexa snickered.  
“Shut up. But yeah, I was and I”m sorry.”  
“I should understand though. I mean. I’m just… I’m worthless and I don’t deserve this.”  
Both Lexa and Raven frowned at the statement.  
“Clarke…”  
“No. I know, I don’t deserve your friendship, let alone all you are doing for me. I should just take it and not complain about it.”  
“Clarke, you’re far from worthless, if anything, you’re extraordinary.” Lexa said. “You’ve endured all this, everything that’s happened to you and yet you’re still here. Alive”

Lexa let her statement hang over them before she said anything else. At this point they all knew Clarke’s would be self depreciating along with other symptoms from her trauma and abuse.  
“I say lets bring this party over to the living room, this one is way too crowded right now.” Anya said from behind Raven. 

Lexa took the bag from Clarke’s lap and settled it on the bed, while Raven picked up the plates. “Hey Lex, your phone keeps vibrating.”  
“Like a…” “Shut it Raven.”  
“You have no sense of humour and can’t appreciate dirty jokes.”  
“Raven shut it, I hear the couch is not as comfortable as it looks.” Clarke was amused. “I have a mouth full of jokes, someone needs to say something.” Raven said. “And not about the damn couch.”

 

Clarke found herself smiling despite the heavy mood. “Well at least someone finds me funny ain’t that right sugar plumb?” Clarke busted out laughing at this, shaking her head. Raven did had a mouth on her. 

 

The rest of the night was spent by Raven trying to make up, dreading the couch and her girlfriends fury. Clarke managed to stay awake until she started dozing off and was taken to her room with the help of Lexa.  
“How are you feeling Clarke?”  
“I have no idea honestly. I feel a bit at ease, but I can’t help the feeling that he still here.” She was deep in thought, eyebrows scrunched.  
“I don’t want to be cliche, I do believe you can overcome this, it’s just going to take some time.”  
“I want to believe that, I really do...I just don’t think I can. Not while he is still out there, being a threat to the people I love.” Lexa pondered at her response and chose to reassure her the only way that came to mind.  
“We all know he’ll get caught.” She said carefully, emerald connecting with cobalt orbs. She took a moment to chose carefully her next statement. “I think that you were alone even though you were surrounded by people. I don’t really know the depths of your past or your relationship with him.” Lexa moved to sit next to Clarke on the bed, holding her clothes on her lap. “ Last time you trusted someone it became a nightmare.” Clarke nodded at the statement even though she didn’t know where it was going. 

 

“So now, sitting here next to you, I’ll give you something you needed back then. Whatever you chose, I’ll still be here and respect it. With that being said, do you need help changing your clothes or would you try doing it by yourself?”

Lexa allowed Clarke to take her time knowing that 1. She let Clarke know she was in charge of what she wanted to do and 2. She had people around her offering her legitimate help.

“I want to ask for help but I don’t know how.” Lexa patted her knee in a reassuring way. “Fair enough, how about you try it and I’ll stand here, turn around and only help IF you ask for it?”  
“What if I need help but don’t know how to ask?” Lexa chuckled at this. “You can accomplish anything you want, be however you want. But I’ll still be here.” Lexa punctuated her statement turning around.

“Clarke started unfolding the sleeping wear.” She was conscious about the bruises and scar on her body. Finn’s voice looming over her head like a dark cloud. ‘Useless’ ‘Disgusting” his voice echoed. She tried closing her eyes and breathe. Inhale, exhale.  
With the cast and the temporally brace on her leg, she knew it was going to be a challenge. Her chest still hurt but she would rather endure the pain than ask for more help from these people that had been nothing but understanding and accommodating to her.

There were grunts and cursing and shuffle. A few time Lexa wanted to turn around and help but she couldn’t take the choice away from Clarke.

There was some sniffling and finally with a broken voice Clarke asked. Lexa allowed herself to smile briefly, knowing this was a step, a good one too. She turned around and covered the distance quickly. Once she stood in front of the blonde. She noticed a bit of uneasiness from her. She was racking her brain as she tried to remove Clarke’s current shirt. 

Lexa opted to ask Clarke questions about her love and passion for art. They were short questions, including her favorite artist, piece, how she went for art and not medical school. Clark allowed her mind to go back to those memories, she had spent so much time being with Finn, she had forgotten how she felt in love with art. 

The trip down memory lane ended abruptly, Clarke saw a flash on black hair, the soft hands helping her out of her shirts turned rough and callous, those green eyes where now brown, filled with rage and anger, she felt his stubbled beard close to her cheek. “You took you could escape didn’t you?” He whispered coldly, bringing goosebumps on her. “Tsk tsk, you been a bad girl and now you’re gonna pay.” 

 

She screamed, Clarke screamed with all she could pushing her aggressor away. Lexa tumbled back surprised at the scream and the strength that pushed back, she scrambled up and put her hands over Clarke's cheeks. “Hey Clarke look at me. Look, it’s me, it’s Lexa. Open your eyes Clarke.”

The door opened seconds later, Anya and Raven concerned. Lexa turned around and shook her head, letting them know she had this. The more people crowding the room, the more scared Clarke would feel. 

She kept her left hand on Clarke’s cheek and traced her face with the other, asking her to open her eyes. Reassuring her everything was ok, she was not Finn and he wasn’t there. She raised her voice a bit more, fighting with the ones inside Clarke’s head, trying to pull her out of the dark. Clarke opened her eyes but she still seemed far away. Lexa broke contact with her, taking the moment to get her into her shirt. She tried again, louder this time and in fact succeeding.

 

Clarke looked around her, taking in the room. “It’s ok, take a deep breath, it's me, it’s Lexa. You’re at Ravens, remember that?” Lexa asked her softly. Clarke did as told, she took a breath and looked around. “He was here, he was you, you were hi, you turned into him.” She told her between tears.

“No he’s not, we’ll never let him get to you Clarke. You’re safe here, I promise.” Lexa said kindly. “You can’t promise that, nobody can.” She tried to move away from Lexa. “Okay, so I can’t promise you you’re going to be safe right now.” She started to pick up the discarded clothes. “But I can promise you that we’ll try. All of us, we’ll try to keep you and your mom safe.” 

“He will always get me, one way or another, he’s in my head, my dreams, I want to die and be free of him, that is the only way.”  
Lexa’s mind blew away the moment she heard that. For someone who always tried to achieve to be the best, she had no idea what to say next. Patients were just patient's, Clarke was a friend of her friend and soon a friend of sorts to her. She still couldn’t imagined why a human would tortured someone to this grade, mentally, emotionally and physically. 

“Clarke, you’ll get over this.” “NO I WON’T. I know that, you should too, you’re a fucking doctor.” “Okay, you’re right, I shouldn’t have used that phrase. I’m sorry but I do believe you’re very strong. I don’t know you, at all, but I would like to.” Lexa stood right in front of Clarke not budging for a second.  
“Why? Why would you even attempt to get close to me?” “Well for one you’re a great artist, your will astounds me, you’re a fighter…” Everything else Lexa was about to say was cut off by Clarke. 

“I’m nothing but worthless, I’m disgusting and nothing you say or anyone else will change that. Please leave.” And then the dam broke, Clarke all but collapse, too many emotions running through her at once, all because of him. These people were doing nothing but being kind to her and she didn’t even appreciated it. She was a worthless piece of…. 

Her thoughts were cut off by a hug. She froze, she clung to Lexa’s shirt, she was half expecting her to become Finn and hit her the other half needed the hug. She took it, she chose to take the warmth that was offered to her instead of the darkness that consumed her. Lexa hugged her back, careful of the injuries but reassuring her she had her back. Time flew by and before they knew it they were on the floor, Lexa’s back to the bed her hand rubbing circles on the blonde’s back, consoling her. 

That’s how Octavia found them. Handing Clarke a mug of tea and some pills, moving her carefully to the bed. Lexa said her goodbye as her friend took over. It had been a while since Octavia had one on one with her, mostly because the cops said her and Bellamy would probably be followed by Finn. She laid with Clarke, told her about her day, about her brother and the Bar, about Lincoln. Until she felt the blonde’s breaths even out. She stayed like that for a while longer, taking in her friends bruised body. 

“What the actual fuck happened?” Octavia asked in a shoosh tone. They all looked at her and didn’t know what to say because none of them actually knew. She turned to her best friend demanding an explanation. “I don’t know O. She was upset about the phone and security system, she got over that. Then she asked me to help her change.” Lexa explained.

“Then I guess, the physical contact lost her, she was crying and shaking and then she yelled and was angry.” She said taking a sip of bourbon.

“I thought the shrink had that under control, didn’t he prescribed her meds?” “Pocahontas you know it doesn’t work that way. She was a prisoner of that dude for a shiton of time, it’s not gonna go away with a few happy pills.” Raven said.

“She said she wanted to die, that we all be better without her.” Lexa added looking exhausted. 

“So we change the strategy. We can’t go in this half ass, if we do, we lose her.” Anya’s voice was clear and on point. “We need consistency, a better plan. We need to let her know we need her, we have to comfort her and assure her he will not and he cannot get to her. We also need to work out our schedules, she can’t be alone and I don’t think sending her to psych will help.” Anya chimed in.

“I got her some art supplies, I ordered the easel online in case that asshole was keeping tabs on Octavia. A dude delivering a box of art would give it away. So she has something to do on her spare time.” 

“My girlfriend and sister are so smart!” “Raven, babe, the couch is still open you know that right?” “Nah babe, I’m good sleeping with you, I actually wanna do that thing we…..” 

“Yeah this is our cue to leave Lex, unless you wanna stay?”  
“Umm no… We’ll talk some more tomorrow. Octavia you’re staying tomorrow?”  
“Yes, I’ll be with her.” 

With that they all parted ways, Raven locked the door behind her and checked her cam before going to bed. Anya taking Octavia’s place on Clarke’s bed. 

“Hey Lex?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Want to tell me why Costia is texting me to tell you to call her?”

“Not really.”

“Come on, what’s going on? Is it Clarke and the hospital? Because we can trade you know, I don’t mind, she’s my friend.”

“I wish that was it.” Lexa took a minute to collect herself before confiding in her friend. Being with Clarke, helping her had offered her solace, she was able to forget for those moments the reality of her relationship. 

“She cheated, told me and it’s over.” She blurted out without thinking.

“Wait, what?” Octavia asked in shock.

“No big deal, I just wish, I honestly wished she had broken things off before she did that you know? I knew she was being distant and sometimes a bit cold, like I was taking her time away. I just… I never thought she…” 

Lexa let her tears fall, she had been holding all her emotions ein for a while, it felt good to be able to let go. 

“Why didn’t you say anything sooner Lex?”

“I didn’t wanted it to be true. I had a feeling the long distance thing was going to be hard you know, I just never thought she would do that. I love her. Or loved her?”

“Are you telling the others? Anya?”

“And risk her going over there and kick her ass? NO, not yet anyways.”

“Wait, you’re okay with this?”

“There’s really nothing I can do.”

“But she’s been asking me to tell you to call her, she probably wants to work it out.”

“No, not but, she just doesn’t want to feel guilty. She fucked up, there’s nothing to say and even if there was, I wouldn’t be able to trust her, so just, don’t answer her anymore.”

“You’re sure?”

“Positive.”

“Okay. You know I’m still here if you need me right? I know You have been helping with Clarke and Bel and I really appreciate that but if you need some time to yourself just ask.”

“I know. Honestly though Clarke’s situation, her health it’s more important than a cheating ex” She said giving her friend a tight smile.

“Talk tomorrow O! Night.”

"Night Lex.”


	5. Running in Circles

“Stop calling, I mean it Costia.” Lexa gritted into the phone, pressing it so tight into her hear it was hurting.

“Lex, we need to talk about this.”

“The name is Lexa and no, we don’t.”

“Oh, really? You can’t be an adult about this? Lexa I made a mistake, please, just, I love you.”

Lexa’s laughter was bitter and dark. “So did you love me when you were eating her out?”

“Lexa what the…”

“No really tell me, I’m curious, did you? Huh? When she made you cum, did you love me then too? Were you moaning my

name as she fucked you?”

 

Costia was rendered speechless at the other side of the line.

 “No you fucking weren’t. We are done, it’s over, don’t call, don’t text. I took the liberty of mailing the things you left. Don’t be

surprised though, I took one of Raven’s and had them charge you for it.”

She closed her eyes as she hung up the call.

 

“Didn’t think you had it in you.” She was spunned around by the sound of Anya’s voice. She found her sister leaning against

the frame of the door.

 “I’m pretty sure I locked that door.” She said with eyes narrowed but her sister could see the slight pain she was harboring.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

 “There was nothing to say, I… it wouldn’t have made a difference.” She stated with a shrug of her shoulders.

“I’m sorry she did this but I’m not sorry it ended.” Lexa looked at her sister confused. Anya moved closer and threw her arm

over her sister’s shoulder.

“I was never a fan, no. I’m not going to throw a party over this either but you knew this wasn’t going to last.”

“I would’ve appreciated this sisterly advice before you know.”

“Costia was too ambitious to stay here just for true love. Don’t get me wrong Lex but she reminds me of mom and dad.”

“I had hoped it would change, you know.”

“I know Lex, you act so tough but you’re such a girl sometimes.” Anya laughed as her sister glared at her.

“You have a beautiful heart baby sis, don’t settle. You need to find someone that’s gonna love you as much as you love them.”

 They were interrupted by Anya’s pager going off. She hugged her sister and promised they would talk more later.

 

“So you’re talking to Kane?” Octavia asked from Clarke’s bed, the blonde was trying to arrange the art supplies Lexa had

given her.

“Not talks, but yeah. It feels a bit weird you know.” CLarke paused trying to find a way to phrase her next question, she was dreading the answer.

“How much does he know Octavia?” The brunette frowned and was now sporting a confused look herself. She sat up and took

a look at the blonde, taking in her bruises.

“Everything.”

“Does my mom know?”

“No. We all kinda, it was a messy, loud and heated conversation Clarke.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, for one, we didn’t… we didn’t know the extent of your injuries and how you were going to come out of it. We also

thought that it was going to affect your mother

gravely you know.”

Octavia’s demeanor changed instantly, remembering the state Clarke was brought in that night, her brother covered in blood.

She shook it off and continued.

“Your umm, your mom, her breakdown was due to your father’s death Clarke, we didn’t know how to tell her there was a

possibility of losing you too.”

 

Clarke’s vision became blurred, her mouth dry, she felt herself starting to sweat but her body felt cold. She remembered that

night and all of the nights before that. Finn was like one of those evil ghosts that kept haunting her. He was there when she

slept, he was there during those few private moments she had. Finn had managed to make her more scared now that when they were together.

She was always expecting something, she knew that slap or punch were coming, she knew those hateful words towards her

were approaching. Now it was different, there was more to lose, he had threaten not only her mother but those close to her. Including by association Octavia, Raven, Anya and Lexa.

 Finn was still out there, her few moments of founded peace were continuosly interrupted by the fear of finding out everyone

she cared about was going to get hurt because of her. She was a smart girl her father always told her. For the first time ever

Clarke was happy her dad was dead so he wouldn’t see the pathetic disappointment she had become. Putting everyone in

danger because she didn’t have the courage to leave a man who almost killed her.

 Octavia’s soft hand and concerned face brought her back from those dark images that kept appearing, the same people and

millions of way the could die.

 “Come back Clarke, this isn’t on you.”

“It is and you know it. I have all of you running around trying to keep my mother and I safe because of a bad choice I made.

Your brother is involved, fuck even your friends

are involved, people I don’t know will get hurt.”

 “Clarke…”

“No! It’s the truth, your brother was helping me with money and a job and and you treated me like we were friends from back

home, hell, Raven gave me a room and a phone and she had a security system installed because of me.”

 The tears were coming down hot on her face. “He should’ve killed me. I SHOULD’VE DIED.”

Octavia's pleas fell in the background, she was trying to fight Finn and his words and trying not to imagine what all these

people were sacrificing for her and it wasn’t worth it.

 “Finn was right, I’m so not worth it.” CLarke tried to get up fast. Her injuries raking her whole body, she felt sick, nauseated

and the pain was indescribable, before she knew it, everything went black.

 Getting her back to bed was for Octavia, trying not to injured her any further was a task and she was alone. Amongst the

many injuries Clarke had, her knee dislocation, the broken ribs and trauma to her chest were bad. Once she tried to move her

without causing any more pain, she got some cold pads and placed on the sleeping blonde.

 She sent a text to Lexa letting her know she was at Raven’s and one to Lincoln. She brushed Clarke’s hair off her face, even

in her sleep, her features showed the pain she was going through and after what just happened, Octavia was at a loss.

 She woke up with a start, she felt like she had been thrown through a wall, she kept her eyes closed feeling the bed move

behind her. If she was asleep Finn might be too.

This were the only times she had for herself. She needed to get up though, a hot shower always helped after Finn’s tokens of

love. God did she hate him but she couldn’t leave him, could she?

 She shifted, bringing her hands under her chin, that’s when she felt the roughness of the cast and everything came back to

her, like a sucker punch. The stabbing, the threats, losing those she cared for. She couldn’t hold her sobs any longer. Her

heart ached and her body protested, painfully with those actions.

 She felt a comforting hand on her shoulder and the voice telling she was ok and safe. While comforting, it felt different, she

tried to turn around but a hiss escaped.

 “Don’t move yet ok, lets just stay here for a while longer.” Anya’s surprisingly soft voice broke the silence. “You’re ok Clarke,

you’re not alone, I’m here, we all are.”

She gave a faint nod and did just that, cried, she let it out as Anya shifted closer and rubbed circles on her back.

 She probably did that to Lexa too, the touches and reassurance of her safety and theirs were akin. The touches were

soothing and the whispered voice comforting. She felt tired, so tired, emotionally she was drained and her body was

screaming for some shut eye.

 Anya got up once she felt the blonde calmed enough. Moving to crouch in front of her, she handed her some water. A warm

smile illustrated her face. “Drink that slow ok?”

The blonde nodded at the request.

 “It helps with the dry mouth. What hurts?”

“Everything.”

Anya could see the ghost of a smile and she wondered what a full smile of Clarke’s would look like. A genuinely one, not the

ones she gave out because she didn’t want her messy choices to affect the people helping her.

“So, Octavia went to shower, she got called in and it’s just you and me kid.”

Taking the bottle from Clarke, she started helping her to get comfortable on the bed.

 “I made us something to eat, we can watch something before you rest again. You had a strenuous day, so I have to give you

a happy pill.” She said with a half smirk. Once again reminding her of Lexa. It wasn’t cocky, it was more like a subtle ‘I’m

right.’ It was endearing in a way.

 “I made some soup and got some of those “diabetic” brownies.” Clarke giggled at this because one, that’s something her

mother would say and two, they were worth the risk.

 “So, do you want me to help you bathe?” Lexa appeared again, free will, consent. The Woods sister were so similar and

nurturing, giving her the power to whatever she needed to do. She did pondered the idea of a shower, she needed to feel the

hot water, her body would too. Looking at those caramel eyes, “I’m going to need you help

Anya.” She laced her fingers in her lap and looked at them. They were already doing so much for her.

 She was so embarrassed to ask for help, but Anya had a way, something about her. She wondered how fun it would have

been to have gotten to know her under different circumstances, she was probably the mom of the group, letting people have

fun but keeping an eye on all of them. If she hadn’t been so fucking stupid.

 She felt two fingers raising her chin, that warm smile still present. “Wait here, I’ll get the cast bag so we can try to get a bath

going.” She hesitated before saying her next words.

“Octavia gave me a heads up so I know you had a very busy day. I need to be there to make sure you don't get hurt but I

think a nice hot bath will definitely help, what do you think?”

 Clarke hesitated a moment, again this guilt, there were better things Anya could be doing. “Hey Clarke, I know you want a

bath and you need help, come on.”

 She agreed. Once everything was set up, Clarke felt relaxed, she felt almost at peace. Anya had brought a vanilla bean

candle from Lexa's room. She was currently sitting shoulder to shoulder with Clarke on the outside of the tub, reading recipes

from a cookbook. It had been a nice change.

 “I’m ready to get out Anya.” Putting the book to the side, she got up and began to help the blonde up.

“Easy there okay?” Anya wrapped the towel on Clarke trying to support her at the same time.

“The injuries are healing quite good.” Anya tested the waters with the question.

 Clarke couldn’t bring herself to look at her body, she was embarrassed of the constant reminder those scars meant, the

biggest regret and mistake she ever made.

 “Those are battle scars Clarke, just like the ones in your heart.” Anya broke her thoughts.

 “You know what, I’m no warrior, this wasn’t a battle I won.” Came the bitter reply. Anya could only smirk at her, Clarke had

this strength and spark instilled in her, she just didn’t see it this way right now.

 “Feisty, keep giving me attitude and no brownies for you!”

“I know what you’re doing, it’s not going to work.”

“Enlight me Ms Griffin, what am I doing?”

 Clarke’s fight was knocked out of her when she realized they were having this conversation while Anya was helping her get dressed.

 “No. Clarke, I mean it, tell me what do you think I think of you.”

 “I don’t know.”

“Okay, let's do this again. How do you think I see you Clarke?”

 Anya finished helping her get dressed and had just sit next to Clarke in the bed, again, side by side. She needed the answer

to this, it was the only way she could maybe make a connection with Clarke and maybe establish a bond with her.

 “I think, I feel... a lot like I’m a burden.” She said tracing the edges of her cast.

“Have I said or done anything to make you feel like this?”

 Clarke took a moment to analyze and try to answer the question.

 

“I just have this feeling…” She was trying to be honest but she choked up on the end, trying to keep the boundaries.

“Are there just feelings or is it something else?” Anya ventured to ask.

Frowning at the question, Clarke just didn’t know how to say it, so she blurted out the truth, without thinking about it so she

wouldn’t lose her nerve. Maybe getting it out there would actually help in some ways.

 “I umm, I hear this voice.” Anya nodded for her to go on. “It’s like, when I find some comfort and let myself enjoy certain

things, this little voice speaks up and lets me know how damaged I am and how I can hurt all of you just by being around

you.”

 Anya tentatively hoovered her hand over Clarke’s, making contact with the blonde’s. She gave her hands a squeeze and

leaned closer to Clarke.

 “You know that little voice is lying. Nothing you can do or say can hurt us or damage us Clarke. Don’t let the voice of fear,

anger or regret control you anymore.”

She tilted herself to the side so Clarke could see her.

 “I believe that there was nothing you could have done to prevent your father from dying or your mother to go down the road

she went through. I think you had no control over what happened to you to an extent.”

She needed to be clear and resolute in her next statement to help Clarke understand she was not a burden and she was not

really putting them in any danger.

 “Finn was already damaged when you met him. Nothing you could have said or done would have changed him. Whatever

reasons kept you rooted to him for all this time, are yours to understand.”

 Clarke was clinging to every word Anya was saying because they were making sense.

 “You did what you thought was right and you endured everything that was handed to you. Everything that has happened to

you was a lesson learned, Finn had no right to do or say the things he did. That is in the past, while I know OUR friends agree

with me, I will speak for myself only.”

 She took the blonde’s uncasted hand in both of hers, looking at those deep blue eyes.

 “I chose to open the doors to my house and to befriend you because I think you’re worth it. I believe you’re strong, I don’t

have to lie about that. You endured a lot over the last years and it’s hard but what he did to you, you didn’t deserve that. That

voice you hear, ignore it. You’re so talented  and beautiful and I know it seems hopeless from where you’re standing, but I’m

here to help you see what I see. I don’t know you but I would like to.”

 As she spoke, Anya could see the blonde bare in all her pain, while it was a brief glimpse into the life of Clarke Griffin, she

couldn’t bare anything more than that. She could feel the tears blurring her vision at the thought of going at it alone, the

mental and physical pain Finn had caused her. She could see the young girl scared and alone, uncertain and wondering why

this was happening to her.

 She couldn’t dare to imagine the bits and pieces of innocence Finn had ripped from her in such a cowardly and callous way.

She let go of her hands and brought the blonde closer to her, her tears falling angry. She could feel Clarke crying as well,

releasing her pain and she only hoped for Clarke to gain a sense of hope and trust.

 They stayed like that for a long time, running a hand through Clarke’s wet, blonde locks. Kissing the top of her head Anya

released her, wiping the tears from her own eyes

before leaving to gather the food. They ate quietly, peacefully, the movie on the tv the only sound in the room.

Anya fell the blonde slowly drifting asleep, she heard the ‘thank you’ sleepily murmured out of Clarke’s mouth, she leaned in

and kissed the top of her head again.

 “No worries, I’m right here.” Sending a quick text to Raven, she made herself comfortable before joining Clarke.

 She woke up lighter and more at ease than she had in a long time. The memories of the night before quickly replayed againin

her mind. Opening her eyes to see a blurry light blue across from her.

 “Hey, you’re awake.” Anya walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, giving Clarke’s hand a squeeze. “I have to go to work

now, my number is in your phone, text me if you need anything or if you just want to say ‘hi’ kay?”

 Clarke nodded and smiled.

“Lexa is off so she should be by in a bit.” Clarke nodded. “We can talk some more when I get back if you want to.”

 

With that Anya left.

 

Over the past few days the group had settled into a very comfortable routine, each time Clarke felt a sense of relief. Each one

brought something different to Clarke’s life and she was grateful for that. Anya never missed the chance to reassure that it

was okay to feel one way or another, she was a stable rock, she listened and Clarke loved that, Anya had a way with words

that let her know it wasn’t her fault and she would get over those.

 Regardless of her sense of humour, Raven could make her laugh and still give her something positive about whatever self

Clarke was in that moment. Raven was extremely smart but not as verbose as her girlfriend, her approach to advice was more

robotic, on point. Octavia tried to make up for time lost and she was rock solid for everything Clarke needed, just like Bellamy,

even if his visits weren’t many, his texts were always there.

 And then there was Lexa. Lexa was everything her friends were but more in a different way. Just like her older sister, she

inherited listening, Lexa would make sure there was absolutely nothing left on her mind before tackling whatever subject they

had been talking about. There was something that made Clarke feel at ease. Since the pencil and paper at the hospital, Lexa

kept surprising CLarke.

 From midnight snacks to talking about cases to Costia. The doctor had opened up to Clarke about the breakup during one of

those previous nights. Clarke couldn’t help but wonder who would cheat on someone like Lexa. They had just became friends

under the most terrible circumstances ever and she was one of the kindest, compassionate persons she had ever met. The

thought of it had Clarke frowning and venturing on asking the question.

 A tapping on her hand brought her back, focusing on a very concerned looking Lexa.

 “You okay?”

“Yeah, sorry. Got lost in the drawing.”

“Are you sure? You look confused and concerned, did you sleep okay?”

A small smile appeared on Clarke’s face. “Positive.”

 Lexa leaned back on the couch but never looked away from Clarke. “So, what are you drawing today?”

 “I don’t know, I have this urge to draw but I just don’t know what.”

“Really?”

“Yes and it’s very frustrating. How about you, how’s that article coming along?”

Lexa laughed, she enjoyed how much time she was spending with Clarke. Watching her slowly but surely getting up was

amazing and endearing. No, not endearing, just amazing.

“Honestly? It’s boring and I don’t want to read.”

“Well what do you wanna do?”

“I have no idea, just relax.”

 

Lexa had taken a few days off, mostly because of Anya. Her constant pestering about ‘regrouping’ herself broke her down and

she finally accepted just to shut her sister off.

 “Do you miss her?”

“Miss who?”

“Costia?”

“No.”

“Liar”

Lexa chuckled “No, I don’t actually. I guess she made it easier by cheating and lying.”

 She said. Clarke noticed the change in her eyes, she knew Lexa wasn’t lying but she still felt bad she had gone through this.  

Which always made her wonder how easy it would have been if she had broken up with Finn instead of staying with him.

 “Hey look at me.” Came the gentle voice, she felt Lexa take her hand in hers. “Don’t go back to the what if’s, stay here, with

me and teach me how to draw!” She felt relieved being pulled out of those memories. Lexa always had the most gentle way of

leading her out of it. She always found those piercing forrest green eyes, sparkling, they anchored her.

 “I can’t teach you how to draw anymore than you can teach me an appendectomy!”

“Ahh, ha ha, okay. You want to cook or order out?”

“Take out?”

“Sure. Umm there’s this show I”ve been meaning to watch. You want to watch it with me?”

Clarke laughed out loud and this just made Lexa blushed. She had no idea what caused it.

“You know you guys are probably the only people who actually do what Netflix and chill mean.” She explained after seeing

Lexa’s confusion.

 “Why would people pay for background noises, that’s what the radio id for?”

They settled into comfortable silence, enjoying the pizza and series. It was interesting to say the least. Clarke thought at first

it would be maybe some science or documentary but it turned out to be a really good series. The familiarity of everything

Lexa was had been nagging her lately. She forgot everything that had brought her to the doctor when they spent time

together.

 

She was so warm, every time they talked, Clarke felt like she could tell her everything and anything that was on her mind,

whether it was good or bad. She liked being around her. While she did enjoy everyone’s attention, there was just something

about Dr Lexa Woods and she couldn’t put her finger on it.

 “You okay?” Clarke was confused, her vision filled with green. Lexa holding her hand again like she had done on so many

other occasions. The smell of vanilla and sugar, she burrowed closer and just nodded. She was at ease and comfortable which

is why she fell asleep without even wanting to.

 

“You know one of them is gonna fall for the other and it’s gonna be messy. Lesbians are so melodramatic.” Raven whispered to

her girlfriend after finding CLarke and Lexa snuggled up asleep on the couch, again.

“Why are you talking like you are not a whiney lesbian? Do I need to find another girlfriend?”

 “You are mine and mine only and I’m not whiney.”

“You are and it’s okay, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Let’s go to sleep though, I’m beat.”

“You’re leaving them on the couch?”

“I put a blanket over them, they’re fine.”

“That you are, you are so fine but are okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Just asking.”

 

Truth was, Anya wasn’t okay, what Raven had said earlier hadn’t crossed her mind before. There had been positive changes in

Clarke and Lexa seemed like she was over Costia. She felt her sister’s anger were more hurt because of the betrayal and not

the breaking up. Clarke was moving forward, slowly but she was trying. She had showed a lot of improvements physically and

she was showing progress emotionally, it was a long way ahead of them still, but there was improvement. Clarke’s nightmares

were still everly present and her panic attacks and anxiety were active.

 

Lexa did managed to calm Clarke with very little words. A few days ago Clarke had been napping on the couch when she

started screaming and thrashing, Lexa was able to pull her out and calm her so easily. No there was no way they could fall for

each other. Was there? No, Raven was right, it would be messy, bow was not the time.

Clarke was such a beautiful person both inside and out but this was not the time to get emotionally involved.

 

“Babe, it was just a thought you know.” She felt Raven place a kiss on the back of her neck.

“What was?”

“The comment about those two falling for eachother.”

“I wasn’t thinking about that.”

“Yeah, you kinda were. I speak fluent Anya Woods, I felt the way you stiffened up when I mentioned it.”

“It’s not a bad thing, I just don’t think it’s the right moment for them.”

“Well that’s really not up to you babe and who’s to say they’re on that level anyways?”

“I never said it was up to me, I’m just simply stating a fact.” She turned to face her girlfriend.

“It’s not a fact Anya. You can’t just state shit in matters of the heart you know. Why are we even having this convo? I doubt

Clarke is even ready to throw herself into that situation anyways.”

“I know that, that’s what I’m trying to say.”

“Well that’s not exactly how you’re wording it. You make it sound like Lexa is too good for Clarke.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it. Keep your voice down.”

“I know you’re protective and shit but to quote you, the last thing Clarke needs is for you to change the way you see her.”

“She has done nothing wrong, I would never turn my back on her or make her feel as if she’s unworthy of anything and you

know that.”

“Well you sure as fuck making it sound that way. The last thing she needs is for her mother hen to make her feel like that

piece of shit did Anya. Just be careful of the shit you say around her.”

Anya leaned in and kissed Raven, it was a chaste kiss but she was trying to reassure her girlfriend. She was letting Raven

know she was worthy. She knew how Raven felt about Clarke because of the broken past they shared. She was reassuring

Raven’s fears that she wasn’t going anywhere and that she was so worth it.

“I don’t want either one of them to get hurt. I get scared but that doesn’t mean I think Clarke is anything less than either one

of us, she deserves the world.”

It was Raven’s turn to kiss her girlfriend and unlike Anya she wanted something more.

“Raven, no.”

“Come on I miss you.”

“You can’t be quiet and my sister is sleeping on the couch.”

“I can totally be quiet. I’ve been wanting to sex you up on our bed not the on call room.”

“Sex me up, really?”

“I love ya woman, I know you want this too.” Raven charming antics were lacking but she loved her and gave in.

 

Lexa felt the hard object embedded into her side, for a minute shen thought she had fallen asleep on top of something in her

hospital. Without opening her eyes she reached for it, that’s when she notice the small, warm puffs of air on her chest. She

traced the object realizing it was Clarke’s cast. She took a moment to see her, to look at her, she was still frowning, till this

day Clarke couldn’t even find peace in her sleep. Pushing the hair away from her face she tried to look at her, the bruises were

still on her face, she wanted them gone, the bruises, the cast, everything.

Clarke didn’t deserve this, nobody did. She wondered what this Finn guy did to get her to notice him anyways. From the talks

and his actions he couldn’t be that great, fucking loser, she thought. She ran her hand through Clarke’s hair, she was safe

now, he was still out there but she would keep her safe, well they, she mused.

Being pinned under Clarke in this uncomfortable way wasn’t uncomfortable at all. She was warm and she could feel her

heartbeat slowly beating, without thinking about it she placed a kiss on the crown of the blonde’s head and the she froze.

What had she done? Wait it was a friendly kiss though, it was, ti was normal for friends to do this. Octavia and her had their

shares of PDA’s, yeah maybe not like this but they did. Maybe she missed Costia or the feeling of holding someone how she

used to hold Costia. Lexa Woods was a lot of things but a creep she wasn’t and that was just the way she was feeling right now.

This was innocent though, Clarke had been through so much, she felt a connection to her a need to protect her and feel safe,

this wasn’t weird. If Clarke was awake she would have done this too because it’s completely normal? OMG no it wasn’t, she

felt like she was taking advantage of her friend, like she was crossing a line. She couldn’t betray Clarke, she had just been

attacked by the dude that was supposed to love her.

 Fuck, this was bad.

“Lexa.” The groggy, sleepy voice was barely above a whisper but it made her hand stop.

“Umm?”

“I think your sister and Raven are having sex.”

With so many thoughts and guilt, her sister’s and girlfriend's lack of self control had fallen into deaf ears. She looked past

Clarke into the wall as if she could see them.

“Well your couch is terrible to sleep on, I can see why Raven dreads it. You want to crash at my place? O’s out, you can have

her bed.”

“Do you have to work tomorrow?”

“No, I’m still off. Why?”

“You want to attempt to watch that show again?”

“Yeah, if you want.”

“Yeah.”

The untangled themselves from the couch and made her way to Lexa’s place. Her thoughts were still fresh on her mind, she

was confused and didn’t want to betray the blonde’s trust.

Clarke kept wondering if she had done something wrong. Maybe falling asleep on top of Lexa they way she did made her feel

uncomfortable. There was a trace of something in the air and she couldn't place it. They had fallen asleep fine, well she had

fallen asleep on top of Lexa. Maybe she didn’t like it, she was probably disgusted by her, she messed it up.

 Off course Lexa would be grossed out by her, after all the things she had let Finn do to her and her bruises. But they were

friends. Clarke felt her heart speed up, she had damaged her friendship with Lexa, she was just too polite to let her know.

There was no fixing this, no coming back from this. Lexa was probably trying to figure out a way to get away from her when

she woke up. She had offered Octavia’s room, not to watch tv on her room with her.

 She had asked and now she had ruined her friendship with Lexa. One more person she had turned away from her. She tried

to control her breathing but failed, she felt her chest get tight, she was finding it hard to breathe and she couldn’t stop the

wave of tears that had been threatening to fall.

 The sobs finally pulled Lexa out of her own thought, turning to face Clarke she noticed the blonde on the verge of a panic

attack and she sprinted into action. Clarke’s broken sobs and I’m sorry’s were too much, she didn’t know what had triggered

this but she was going to help her through this.

 She lifted the blonde’s chin and guided her hands to her chest like so many other times before. With soft words she told her

to match her breathing, she told her she was safe and that it was going to be okay. That was her mission, she tried to

backspace to see what had triggered it but her mind drew blank.

 After a while, Clarke was able to breathe normally she pulled her into her and once again stroke the blonde’s hair. She leaned

them back, urging the blonde’s head to her shoulder. She tried to stealthy pull the covers from under them without moving

too much, failed attempt. She got up and moved the covers, taking that as a way to get some water.

 Once they were set, she got under the covers and pulled the blonde towards her, however this time she was met with some

resistance. She frowned and released her, not wanting her to feel like she was forced to do anything against her will.

 “Do you want to talk about it?” Concern green met broken cerulean.

“No.”

“Okay but come lay with me, Please.”


End file.
